'I am hoping you may be able to offer some advice. I have trouble making my girlfriend reach orgasm. She has been able to orgasm in the past, and I have been able to get her there occasionally. She gets to the point where she is almost there, but the feeling fades. She doesn't use a vibrator or masturbate. I guided her hand to her clit to try and see how she likes it, but she wasn't keen.
Do you think an arousal gel may help? We use lots of lube, which is a game-changer, but I want her to get that final release. Her pleasure is more important to me than my own.'
Hello,
Thanks for getting in touch - we're delighted to hear how supportive you are of your girlfriend's pleasure!
Giving Orgasms
As much as we all like 'giving' orgasms, the truth is that each person is responsible for their own pleasure.
We don't subscribe to the myth that a lover has to be able to 'make' their partner orgasm. There is so much of this in media, and it's easy to buy into, but... We need to move past this way of thinking. The onus is on each of us to take the time to figure out what we like. How our bodies work and how orgasms work for us.
Nature has made it so that orgasms generally come easier for men & penis owners. We wish we could click our fingers and make sparkly orgasm dust magically appear in women's bedrooms, but that's beyond our capabilities... (It would be pretty cool, though!)
Explore Self-Pleasure
Masturbation is still a taboo topic. Many of us (women especially) have had to work through years of internalised shame about our own bodies for self-pleasure to feel natural. If this is the case for your partner, she may not be regularly self-pleasuring. Or, it's possible that she feels too self-conscious to masturbate in front of you. That in itself can bring on its own set of pressures.
If your girlfriend doesn't know how to masturbate, why not gift her the Becoming Orgasmic online course by our Shush Life? This is a fun & educational course with sensual homework in between sessions. It covers anatomy, arousal and techniques to help women & vulva owners find their pleasure. This is giving an orgasm, albeit in a more empowering way!
Tips for Couples
If she knows how to masturbate but feels too vulnerable to do it while you watch, how about turning the lights off? A dark room spares blushes, and there is no direct eye contact that could make her feel awkward. Play some music or leave the TV on low in the background. Create a safe space for her to enjoy your play session without pressure. Many orgasms are hampered by pressure. This could be actual pressure ('I must orgasm!') or perceived pressure ('He wants me to orgasm!'). If and when those thoughts happen, it's game over. The orgasm has left the building.
If she doesn't mind leaving the lights on, how about trying mutual masturbation? This can be really helpful as it takes the focus away from her. You watch each other. You can even turn mutual masturbation into a game - whoever comes first has to buy dinner! (This will probably be you, so prepare to order in her favourite takeaway.)
Is the curious about playing with power dynamics? If so, a blindfold is a wonderful tool! She can blindfold you, which gives her the freedom to touch herself in your presence, but without you being able to look at her. You'll get to enjoy breaths and sighs and the sensual sounds of her enjoying herself. She could amp it up by restraining you so you cannot participate however much you want to!
Last but not least - stay awake. We cannot stress how important this point is. Be present, kiss and stroke your girlfriend's body if she feels comfortable with this. Whatever happens, don't nod off however tired you are.
Arousal Gels for Orgasm
Arousal gels are great helpers for stubborn clitorises. The gels work by increasing blood flow to the clitoris. The increased blood flow makes nerve endings tingle and helps build feelings of arousal. This can help with orgasm, so definitely treat her to a bottle.
Orgasm-Reliable Vibrators
Vibrators are generally reliable orgasm-givers. Has your girlfriend had a vibrator before? If not, we'd recommend opting for something small and easy to use. Let her explore with the vibrator on her own first. This way she gets a feeling for how it works for her, which setting she likes and how to approach the clitoris.
Many men underestimate the sensitivity of the clitoris (which is fair - you don't have one!). It is super-sensitive. Approaching the clit straight on may have her yelping in discomfort, so let her show you how she likes to be touched with it. Follow her lead.
The best advice we can give you is to encourage your girlfriend to explore and experiment solo. The better she gets to know her body and what it needs to climax, the more confident she will feel sharing it with you.
Last, but not least, it's also imperative to acknowledge that most women don't orgasm from penetration. Fingers, tongues and vibrators are better tools for this.
We hope this helps!
Best Wishes,
Team Sh! xx
