Hi Sh! My husband has a super-low sex drive, much lower than mine. Everything else is great but I'm getting frustrated. I'm in two minds about getting a sex toy. I'm worried he'll think I don't love him or enjoy the sex we have. It's not that - but I'm horny all the time! 

What do you think? Is it okay to use sex toys if your husband has a low sex drive?

Hello there, 

Thanks for getting in touch! This is an interesting question and we have lots of thoughts.

Self-pleasuring when in a relationship

Your husband's low sex drive affects you too, especially if you still fancy intimacy, pleasure and orgasms. Intimacy can be enjoyed in other ways, but orgasms require sexual stimulation, together or by yourself.

Not having as much partnered sex as you'd like is a valid reason for an open-hearted chat. Is this recent, or has your husband always had a lower sex drive?

It is absolutely okay to use sex toys for solo pleasure when in a relationship, whether your partner has a low sex drive or not. Your personal sexual expression when you are alone belong to you. You have a right to masturbate in private. You can tell your husband about it or keep it to yourself. He is not the owner of your sex life - he is a partner in it.

There are different ways to use sex toys if your partner has a low sex drive

It's possible that your low-sex drive spouse can enjoy watching you pleasure yourself with a sex toy, even if their sexual desire is low. Allowing them to be in the room and watch your sex toy play and orgasm creates an intimate connection, even if that is as far as it goes.

It's also possible that your husband would like to stimulate you with a sex toy. This partnered play is another way to keep intimacy from disappearing without pressuring them for penis-in-vagina sex, for example. Remote-control sex toys are ace for couples. Your husband can be in charge of the remote control (minimum input) and you get the benefit of pleasurable thrills (maximum output). 

Or maybe you like to keep your sex toy use private. Also perfectly fine.

Some partners, especially cis men, can find sex toys intimidating or threatening. They may feel they aren't enough in the bedroom if you "need" a toy. Or, they may be ok with a small, non-intimating toy for clitoral pleasure but feel weirded out if you use a vibrator or dildo for vaginal or anal penetration.

Insecurities about sex toys are often linked to a worry about being 'replaced' by something 'bigger and better,' so tread carefully. Ultimately, a sex toy is a teammate - not a threat - but if you need to keep your sex toy private to avoid hurt feelings... So be it.

Are you the partner with a low sex drive? 

If you are the partner with less desire for sex, you may want to ask yourself why this is. Having sex is a choice, and you can choose not to. There is nothing wrong with this. But, if you used to enjoy it, it's worth investigating what has changed.

• Is the answer yes? Great! Solo play indicates that the desire for pleasure is still there.

• Is the answer no? That's trickier. Not knowing how to masturbate can be remedied, but lacking desire for pleasure may indicate that something deeper is going on.

Sex can be frustrating if you aren't having orgasms. There can be many reasons for no-orgasm, and it's worth trying to untangle what's going on. 

If sex is painful, we recommend making an appointment with a health professional. Painful sex should always be investigated. 

Sex can become a battlefield if we aren't getting the kind of pleasure we enjoy or the stimulation we need to get off. If your partner fancies sex play that does nothing for you, it's worth starting a conversation about it. Perhaps there is a middle ground?

Sex drive tends to be one of the first things that go when we're feeling low or not coping. A chat with a GP or mental health professional may be in order.

Sex can become a chore, unfortunately. It can be really hard to turn off, so we can become turned on. Can responsibilities be shared so you have more energy left at the end of the day?

Low sex drive due to medication is a common issue. Even if it feels embarrassing (it isn't), speaking to your doctor about alternatives can be helpful. There may be a similar medication with fewer side effects, so it's worth asking.

These are just a few of the most common reasons for losing interest in sex.

Asexuality

Some people have a naturally lower interest in sex. There is nothing wrong with this - it's just how they are. They may still desire intimacy and connection but have a lower appetite for an active sexual life.

Read more about asexuality here.

Sex toy use when in a relationship

Last but not least - an important note: It is also ok to use sex toys if your partner has a high sex drive. Sex toys can be enjoyed as a couple or for solo play, even if you have an active and satisfying sex life together. Your lover is a partner, a collaborator, but ultimately, your body belongs to you.

Browse fun sex toys here!