Q&A: Help! I can’t have penetrative sex

Dear Sh!

I’ve been trying to lose my virginity but I can’t. We have tried so many times but I always stop him before he goes in all the way because I can’t handle the pain. He says that I am very tight, I do get very wet, but then this happens and I get very tense so then it takes time to get back in the mood again. I have used a dildo before and it was ok, but wasn’t as big as his dick. What can I do? Does it always hurt this bad?


Hi S,

Many thanks for your email. We have a few suggestions that we hope will help.

First take a deep breath and repeat after us, ‘Sex should not hurt.’

It’s pretty common for people to say that losing your virginity is painful, but often it’s painful because you’re tense, because you think it’s going to hurt. Or because foreplay/lubrication are lacking.

Once you’ve tried once and it’s gone badly it can make things worse because you’re even more tense and convinced it’s going to hurt. This is the ‘cycle of pain’ that can lead to vaginismus and you may be experiencing some symptoms of vaginismus. This is when the pelvic floor muscles involuntarily contract when penetration is attempted. You can find information and resources at our new vaginismus website, vaginismusawareness.com

If you can use a small dildo you might not need to try dilators but it could be useful to talk to a Psychosexual therapist.

Also, it would be a good idea to book an appointment to have your muffkin checked out, just in case there is an issue inside that needs to be looked at.

We’d recommend you stop attempting penetration for now and concentrate on other forms of sexy play.

Kissing, touching, stroking and bringing each other to orgasm are all amazing ways of enjoying sex without penetration. This will help you relax, and teach your body and brain to see sex as something pleasurable rather than something painful and scary.

mini-pink-vibratorIt’s essential to use lube for any kind of play including finger and toy play. Try using a slim vibrator or dildo to stimulate yourself with as this will help build your confidence.  Take some time to practice by yourself, and make sure you are fully aroused and turned on before attempting to insert the toy.

When you do decide to try penetration, further down the line, we recommend a position like woman-on-top where you can be in charge of speed and depth.

We hope you find these tips helpful – good luck!

Team Sh! xx

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