TALES FROM SH!, THE UK'S FIRST WOMEN'S SEX SHOP (SADLY CLOSED SINCE COVID LOCKDOWN)

Sex toy shopping is a lot like normal shopping, albeit for often more thrilling purchases!

No special rules apply.

You don't require any special skills or experience, we are here to help you with all your questions. And there are no stupid questions...

All of that said, there are a few basic rules we'd like shoppers to abide by!

Don't try the sex toys;)

We don't mean you can't touch them or turn them on. You can, absolutewly! It's exactly why we display all our toys so you can feel them, hear them and find out how they work...

But we'd prefer it if you tested a vibe by running it against your nose (this is a good way to get a sense of how it will feel on other sensitive spots!) rather than down belows. Please do not try and use the sex toys in the shop it's weird for everyone and we will ask you to remove said toy from your pants.

This has happened once or twice, the toy-down-the-pants-thing. It's awkward for everyone. The first time, the customer was politely asked to leave the shop (removing the toy first). She came back a couple of days later and she brought us a half-eaten slice of cake by way of apology...

The second time was no less awkward - this one tried to make a run for it, vibrating toy still in her panties. There was a stand-off outside the shop and the Manager stopped short of fishing out the vibe herself. Whilst this was all going on, there was an erotic book reading taking place in the shop. The author, bless her, just carried on reading...

Save it till you get home.

We get it, sex toys or erotic classes can be exciting. Shopping for a new toy with your partner, or learning about a new area of bedroom indulgence, can give you a little erotic thrill.

But please don't act on that until you get home. Definitely don't take a strap on and sneak off to the loos - we will notice!    

We haven't tried everything!

We sell many, many sex toys. We just don't have time for everyone to try everything. And even if we have, we won't tell you to buy what we like because everyone is different.

We want to find the best toy for you, not list every sex toy we've ever tried. So we will always try and guide you towards telling us what you are looking for and work with that, we know about all the toys but not necessarily from first hand experience.

...and we don't have champagne-fuelled orgies after hours. Sorry!

And we might not share your kink

Everybody has a thing. Whatever you are into (between consenting adults and all that) is good and great and we love that you enjoy your sexuality and are comfortable with it. That doesn't mean we share your specific kink. This is like the sex toy thing. Different strokes for different folks, and even if we are also really into your love of bondage/piggyback-rides/root vegetables we are probably not going to be talking about it.

So ask us for help, but we are probably not the only people in the world who will understand your love of carrots.    

Consider 'would I say this to someone in Tesco?'

Well maybe not quite. But just run what you are about to say through in your head and think, would I ever say this to someone in any other conversation? Will this be a story this retail employee will tell when they go home?

'The really awkward one is when a customer asks about our sexuality and sexual preferences. How does that even matter? Would you ask the cashier in Tesco if she's a lesbian? No, you'd buy your pint of milk and be on your merry way... Whom we chose to fall in love with, and sleep with, has no bearing on our abilities to do our job'

Just be chill

Basically just be chill. It's interesting and exciting and we don't mind a little enthusiasm but please be chill and not creepy. Don't paw at the staff, don't follow them home on the bus, don't phone up to ask weird questions because that is somehow what gets you off. We're sure 99% of you would never consider doing any of these things and the 1% who would might not be influenced by our appeal for chillness and reasonable behavior. But still, Be cool guys.

'Don't ask for our socks - we'll get cold feet'

'And please don't follow us - that is really creepy. And if you do that again, guy on the 55-bus, you'll get reported to the police'