Q&A: Never Had an Orgasm

Dear Sh!

I am 27 and my fiance is 35.  We have been together for 3 years. I have always complained to him that I have never enjoyed sex with him and this is leading to a painful stop in our relationship.

My problem is that I have never had an orgasm in my life before because I don’t know how to achieve it and it’s really hurting.

I implore that you help me ” move” out of this situation and save my relationship for me.


Hi there

We’re very glad that you have taken the first and important step of addressing your sexual needs. As you rightly acknowledge, lack of fulfilling or enjoyable sex can have a hugely negative effect on a relationship, no matter how “close” you might be with your partner in other ways.

Ultimately your partner will need to be involved in the discussion about your sex lives as he will have to know when you are enjoying sex or if it is hurting you.

Firstly, try not to worry that you’ve never had an orgasm (yet!).

Orgasms need you to be relaxed and on a voyage of discovery to happen, not all stressed and feeling like a failure.

And don’t feel alone – over the years we’ve advised  thousands of women who’ve never had an orgasm – many of whom have later contacted us to tell us of their success!

If you’ve never had an orgasm, the first step is learning to how do it on your own. Then you can guide your partner to what works for you.

Many women achieve their first orgasm with a vibrator and this is where you should start.

Most women’s orgasm are clitoral so stimulating the external part of the clitoris is where you should concentrate on.

Sh! Easy Egg
Sh! Easy Egg £22

The Sh! Easy Egg vibrator is a good clitoral vibe for newbies as it’s inexpensive and easy to use.  If you’ve not spent much time looking at, or feeling, your clitoris, we suggest getting a small hand mirror and taking a good look, exploring what feel good with your fingers.

Good quality Rabbit vibrators have helped a thousands of women achieve their first orgasm because they simultaneously stimulate you externally and internally. If you’ve never played with a vibrator before, you may think that they look a bit complicated, but when buying any sex toy, it is worth thinking about which one is the most likely to help you achieve orgasm (if you need any advice – just call us on 03333 444 005 and we’ll happily talk through the options and which might suit you best). Getting the right toy will mean you are open to its pleasures which in turn will mean you get the most pleasure from it.

We ‘d also advise using lubricant too. Lube enhances sensations with all sex toys and it’s also brilliant for sex with your fiancee too.

Lubricant makes all sex sensually slippery and penetration easier, therefore less likely to cause you pain.

There is nothing wrong with you if you use lubricant, it’s just a fab addition to sex play.

A great way to apply lubricant is to rub it to each other’s sexy bits and take your time doing it!

Around a third of women find it hard to orgasm during penetrative sex, so it’s much better to take your focus and goal off this and concentrate on lots of clitoral stimulation.

Being on top might make it  easier to achieve orgasm during penetration 

…as you can rub your clitoris against his body, or with your fingers, at the same time.

Sex “on all fours” (with you on your hands and knees as if you were crawling), with him from behind can be easier to stimulate the G-spot.

We hope that this has been of some help to you. Although learning to pleasure yourself is a very important and healthy step to understanding your sexuality, your relationship and sexual activity is ultimately something that needs to be nurtured by both of you.

By making sexual exploration a fun part of your sex life, it can be an exciting and rewarding for both partners.

Try to make your “sex session” last longer, with more time at the beginning to touch, massage, kiss and look at each other. Feathers can feel sensual and soft over the naked body and help “get you in the mood”.

Bathing each other beforehand or getting “dressed up” can also be a fun way to begin. You will enjoy sex more and it will feel more comfortable if you are “ready” – wet, and relaxed.

At Sh! we believe it is every woman’s (and man’s) right to enjoy a safe, fun healthy sex life.

We wish you both the very best in achieving this.

Team Sh!

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