The words below are just some suggestions to help you get to know yourself. There is no normal when it comes to sexual arousal, and perhaps none of this works for you. That does not mean there is something wrong – you are just different. If you specifically want to have better orgasms with a partner, you probably need to learn how to remain more centered and focused in yourself when your partner is present. It is often useful to talk openly with other women about their sexual experiences.
- Mikaya Heart, author of The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women
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Ten Steps to Stronger Orgasms
1. Make a commitment to do whatever is necessary to enhance this aspect of your life. You will need to invest time and possibly money; and other things, such as your friendships and relationships may change along the way.
2. Develop a daily awareness of how energy is flowing, or not, in your body, and establish a habit of practicing kegels several times a day for a minute or so. You need to learn to love the experience of being in a body.
3. Schedule at least 15 minutes every day to be with yourself, increasing this amount of time as you feel the energy building, up to an hour or more. You need to be in a space where you can be comfortable and alone, where no one can hear you and you know that no one will disturb you.
4. During this time, get naked with yourself and explore your body, with your hands and with your awareness. Just play around with yourself. Don’t aim to have an orgasm – you are making friends with your body and listening to what it has to say. Don’t rush. You could take weeks getting to the point of touching your genitals if need be. When you do, try using lube.
5. Once you start being aware of sexual energy, let it build without trying to change it in any way. Take it slowly, and pause regularly, consciously breathing into your belly and genital area. As the energy becomes more intense, notice if there are places in your body that feel particularly uncomfortable. If those places seem very stuck, you may want to get bodywork to help shift them.
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6. It’s fine to let the energy build over a period of days without releasing it. Your body will take charge when it’s ready to let the energy release in the form of an orgasm, and you need to let that happen. You will almost certainly need to make sounds as it builds and releases. Don’t censor yourself. If you start feeling frustrated with manual stimulation, get a vibrator. Try different kinds until you get one that works for you.
7. It is fairly common for women to have difficult emotions coming up around sex. You need to address them and give them a voice in order to let them move on. You may need help from a counselor.
8. Women need very different things at the point of releasing the energy (which is what we usually call orgasm). It doesn’t matter how you label it, but if you are going for more of a clitoral orgasm (which is what most women want), you will probably need to tense your body to let it get to the point of release. A vaginal orgasm tends to arise more from a state of deep relaxation. Neither is necessarily dependent on a particular type of stimulation.
9. There is no need to stop at the first orgasm; keep going until you feel satisfied. Your body may want to shake and quiver and jerk for a while (hours, perhaps) afterwards. Let it do what it wants without censorship.
10. Some women really don’t like touching the clitoral head, and it may not be necessary to do that in order to have an orgasm. But I would recommend trying it a few times at least. You may or may not want to have something inside your vagina.
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