Team Sh! had the idea for this post this morning, when we read the instructions for a new G-spot Vibrator and found this classic:
‘Do not use product while asleep’
Apart from thinking it was funny, we were kind of surprised – we’d never stock a vibrator so boring it sent you to sleep! But it set us thinking about some of the classic vibrator instructions we’ve seen over the years, and the reasons for them.
There’s a logic behind not falling asleep with a vibrator still switched on, because any toy might, if left running long enough, get quite hot. (Or run down your batteries and be really disappointing next time you switch it on!) Usually there is a good reason for the weirdest instructions for a sex toy.
Common Vibrator Warnings
‘Do not use on unexplained calf pain’
This seems like a strange use for a vibrator – we’ve not encountered too many customers with inexplicably painful calves who thought that using a Rabbit Vibe on them was going to help!
The reason for this vibrator instruction, apparently, is to avoid the risk of causing a blood clot (deep vein thrombosis) to move around the body, which can be dangerous. After some extensive googling, we can’t find any instance of this actually happening. We strongly suspect a lawyer somewhere sat down to work out every possible way someone could cause accidental harm with a vibrator, and came up with a cover-all instruction for each & every vibrator manual!
On a similar theme, there’s this instruction;
‘Sold as a novelty item only’
So, what’s a novelty item? Well, in the USA, sex toys can be legally sold as a ‘novelty item’, putting them in the same category as blow-up sheep and other joke-shop stuff. We reckon that’s a bit cheeky – sex toys are much more important and ought to have higher standards, but using that label means manufacturers don’t have to take legal responsibility for the vibrator as a usable toy, just as a joke for a hen-night. Here at Sh! we’ve got our own higher standards and only the very best toys make their way on to our shelves, but they’ll still come with that warning in the instructions, so the manufacturer can sell it in the USA.
We’ve also seen this instruction on many a vibrator package:
‘To avoid injury or aggravation of pre-existing conditions, this device should not be used on swollen or inflamed areas of skin’
Which raises the question, as many women have objected, what do they mean by swollen or inflamed?
Does an excited clitoris count?
This is more legal-speak designed to cover the backs of manufacturers, rather than to help the customers, we think…
We also love the Fun Factory warning pictures attached to their instructions. We spent a while thinking ‘Don’t sniff it or listen to it? Why not?’ before we realised that the vibe was not meant to be put in your ear or up your nose. (We still don’t know why anyone would try that!)
Or this fabulous clanger: “Stimulate the anal of good assistant” – does it mean we should reward helpful staff with some anal rubbing..? We are pretty sure HR will have issues with this kind of hands-on approach!
So, there’s a whistle-stop tour round the odder things that lawyers think we might do with our toys! Our very favourite, though, is the one Rocks-Off put on the Rude Boy, one of our most popular prostate massagers:
‘Warning – Intense ejaculation!’
Now there’s vibrator instruction we can work with! We want to put ‘Warning – incredible orgasms ahead!‘ on some of our goodies now…