When you think about it, many sexual activities involve some sort of exchange of trust and power, with one partner giving and the other receiving. Erotic massage, handjobs, oral sex - more often than not, one person is dishing out intense pleasure whilst another is laid back, enjoying every toe-curling, eye-rolling second of it.
Bondage is the beautiful and highly sensual art of restraining a partner for pleasure; a way of intensifying and ritualising power dynamic by tying-up your lover and controlling the pace of their pleasure.
I fantasise about bondage - does that mean I'm kinky?
Bondage comes under the umbrella of BDSM/kink but many folx enjoy bondage without identifying as kinky - and many kinky folx enjoy BDSM without ever incorporating bondage into their play. You can pick and choose which activities tickle your pickle, and you can identify in any which way that feels right for you. The main concern should always be consent and safety, and we're going to be addressing the latter in this article.
If you're the one doing the tying-up (the Top), you get to be in charge of your partner's pleasure and to feast on the hot vision of them splayed out in front of you...
If you're the one being cuffed or tied up (the bottom), you get to surrender to one-way attention. In bondage, you are totally free to enjoy your own pleasure without any pressure to 'bat back’.
Advice for playing safely with bondage
Establish boundaries before play starts. Not just the physical boundaries, but also emotional ones. This will ensure you never venture into grey areas and everything that happens during our play session is consensual.
Establish & honour absolutely safe words that instantly halt the game, or ease up on the action should it become a bit too intense for either one of you. Agree on one or two words that let you both know that you need a break, or you need the game to stop.
Study! There are some great guides about bondage that offer advice and inspiration. The net is also a great resource for bondage information and safety.
Bondage advice for the person doing the tying up
Always be alert to, and immediately honour your partner's use of safewords whether in physical or emotional scenes. Many couples choose to use two words; one for, 'lighten-up, I'm finding this a bit difficult to take' and a different word that means 'Stop Now'.
Having trusted safewords established means that, as the Top, you are free to throw yourself into a scene, tease mercilessly and get ‘em moaning, groaning and begging for more.
Always use wide, strong bondage cuffs
Silk scarves may seem less scary or serious than leather wrist cuffs but actually, they can sneakily tighten to pinching point and in a worst-case scenario, cause permanent nerve damage. Your lover’s bliss is entirely in your hands, but remember to keep them safe!
Check your bottom's (the person relinquishing power) fingers regularly for signs that blood hasn't stopped flowing to the area (signified by numbness, coolness or blueness). If extremities turn this way untie immediately and rub the area gently until restored. As the bottom, it's your responsibility to immediately alert your Top to any pins & needle-sensations, and you can do this by using your safe word.
Physical safety in bondage play
- Never enclose both nose and mouth.
- Never tie-up your lover face down on soft furnishing.
- Never leave your lover tied-up in bondage alone.
- If you gag your partner, they can't clearly use their safe-words so find an alternative means of communication; a marble to drop that says 'stop' for instance.
Bondage advice for the person being tied up
- Only allow yourself to be tied up by someone you know well and trust completely.
- Never allow yourself to be talked into something you don't want to do. You have an absolute right to say no to anything that doesn't feel right for you. If your partner won't take no for an answer, don't play with them.
- Never think that using your safe-words makes you a wuss - they are there to give you freedom, so feel free to throw yourself into an Oscar-worthy performance, secure in the knowledge that you can halt play instantly if you need, want or wish to.
- Being helpless, you're free to relax and relish every sensation. In these decision-overloaded times, you don’t have to think - just feel... Let performance anxieties take a back seat and revel in sensations instead.
Read our BDSM guides here!
