painful-sex

Q&A: Did sex hurt because I’m not attracted enough to men?

I recently lost my virginity to a guy that I absolutely trust and am very attracted to. He was able to make me cum using his hands, but sex was incredibly painful for me. He isn’t particularly big but I’m pretty sure he caused some tearing as well (I bled a lot, although I think I started my period at same time). I was sore so we left it and recently tried again and it still hurt, perhaps marginally less but still far too much for me to continue.

I’ve heard that even your first time doesn’t have to hurt if you’re properly aroused and unarousal was the only explanation I could think of, but I enjoy everything else he does. I’m bisexual so perhaps it’s possible my attraction for men isn’t strong enough to be sexual? There’s also the fact I have never inserted anything besides tampons and in fact being fingered hurt first time round. 

So I want to know: is it normal for it to hurt or should I be worried, and what can I do to stop the pain?

 

Hey there,

Many thanks for your email.  We’re sorry to hear your first time was so painful but it’s not uncommon. Painful sex is never fun and can put people off for a long, long time.

First of all we’d recommend booking a check up to make sure all is well on the inside of the vagina. There could be a number of reasons for the pain,  and it’s always best to have it checked out. It’s not impossible that you have a vaginal infection that may require antibiotics, for example. Or Endometriosis which is a common condition that causes pain during and after sex. There is another condition called Vaginismus that causes pain when penetration is attempted. But – the good news is that most conditions causing painful sex are treatable.

Sh! Paraben-Free LubricantSecondly, did you use lube? We always recommend generous amounts of lube for all sex play. There is always the possibility that your vaginal membranes were dry, especially if you felt nervous for your first time. Other factors such as dehydration caused by alcohol, medication or tiredness are very common and these can all  make penetrative sex uncomfortable.

Positioning can make a whole world of difference. It might be an idea for you to be in control of penetration, when you decide to give sex another go. Being on top means that you can stop if it begins to feel uncomfortable at all.

We can’t comment on whether or not you felt aroused at the time – only you know that. It could be that you didn’t feel turned on because there was no chemistry with the guy or it could be that you didn’t feel aroused, or lost your desire exactly because it was painful!

The good news is that sex usually gets much better with time so you have lots of exciting experiences to look forward to!

Love, Team Sh! xx

 

 

Q&A Your Sex-Questions Answered

Q&A: I’m not sure if I want to have sex?

I’m still a virgin at 26. I have had bad experiences with sex before. Previously I’ve been burnt with guys but now I’ve found someone I really care about and have feeling for but I’m just scared of sex. I’m scared people I care about will just use me for sex and in some ways I don’t understand why it’s so important. I know no one will want to date me if I can’t have sex but I have all these feelings of guilt and shame I can’t get past. Maybe you are the wrong people to ask but what should I do?

S.

Hi S,

Many thanks for your email.

It sound as if there are several things going on here, so let’s address them one by one.

Communication is Key

Have you mentioned your thoughts and fears to the person you are thinking of having sex with? This is a good starting point. Perhaps they, too, would rather take things slow. Just getting to know each other better might make you feel more confident about taking another step towards having sex together.

Bad Experiences of Sex

A bad experience can mean a whole number of things and as we don’t know the specific details, it’s difficult to advice on the best way of moving forwards. One option would be speaking to someone who specializes in the subject, like a psychosexual therapist.

Guilt & Shame

You’re not alone in this – most people grow up feeling guilty, confused or shamed around sex, unfortunately. It’s been ingrained in us and it takes time to get past these feelings. The good news is, it’s possible. Again, you may need to see someone professional, like a therapist, but don’t worry – they will have plenty of experience with this kind of thing.

benefit-lubeScared of sex

Are you scared of sex being painful? If so, we recommend spending time relaxing and getting to know your own body. This is a great way of building confidence, and also learning about your likes and dislikes. Start off with just fingers and some lube, exploring as you go.

Also, there is no rule that says penetration is a ‘must’ when it comes to sex. Plenty of fun can be had without anything ever entering the vagina! A woman’s main pleasure center is the clitoris, which is located outside of the vagina. Well, a part of it is, anyway – there is a whole other part located deeper inside the body.

Sex, when done right, should only be pleasurable.

Sex shouldn’t be painful. If it is, you need to consider the reasons why this may be – is there a small tear in the delicate vaginal membranes, for example? Or do you need more time to build arousal? Or maybe your partner needs to file their nails smooth…

Being Used for Sex

It’s near impossible to predict what another person may or may not do, but here’s a thought – what if you do decide to take a chance on this person, and it turns out to be the best thing you ever did? We often regret the things we didn’t do, as opposed to the things we did – because at least we tried. It’s clear you have found someone you really like, so maybe it’s worth risking a little in order to gain a lot?

First Time Sex

There are many horror stories about how awful first-time sex is. Many are too young, mentally and emotionally, and often just want to “get it over with”. Vast quantities of alcohol tends to be involved – this will numb senses, which isn’t helpful. Also, for the reasons just mentioned, many choose to experience their first time with someone they don’t know very well.

You are in a completely different position: you have every chance of making your first time a memory to cherish. When you are ready, so to speak, choose a location that is familiar and comfortable, like your own bedroom. Make sure you are prepared by stocking up on safer sex supplies and lube (you can never have too much of those!) and take things at your own pace.

There is no time limit on first time sex – so take your time…

Best of luck <3

Team Sh! xx

Send us your questions advice@sh-womenstore.com

All names have been changed for the purposes of anonymity

 

Discreet Sex Toys

Discreet Sex Toys

If you’re a beginner, living with other people, or looking for a toy for your travels then you might want something a little more disceet than a 9 inch dildo. So this week we’re looking at toys that say Sh!

Yes that was a bad pun. Take this week’s quiz or scroll down to see our tailored recommendations. Got a question about which toy is the right toy for you? Pop in to the shop and see us or email us at advice@sh-womenstore.com

 

Remote Play Eggremote_play_vibrator

£35

This cute little remote play vibrator is perfect if you want to introduce a playful element into your relationship.  It’s coated in lovely body-safe silicone and has 10 whisper quiet settings to explore. You control it via  the remote unit which is super discreet and easy to use.

Buy the Remote play egg. 

 

 

cute-coco-massager-vibratorCute Coco Massager Vibrator

£35

This cute little guy is so discreet you could just leave him on your nightstand. It’s great for women who need a lot of clitoral stimulation because you can use the round head for targeted vibrations. The shape is also lovely and easy to grip.

Buy the Cute Coco now

 

 

lipstick_1 (1)Love Bullet Silver Lipstick Vibrator

£29

Incredibly sleek, stylish and discreet! This lipstick vibe can hide in plain sight, slip it into your bag or make-up case and take it anywhere. This little vibe is strong but quiet and also USB rechargeable. It’s a great beginners toy.

Buy the Silver Lipstick Vibrator

 

 

Ovo Vibrating Cock Ring ovo-c-ring

£12

If you want to dip a toe into the wonderful world of sex toys this might be a nice place to start. It’s only £12, which is like 2 coffees and which will you enjoy more?

The soft stretchy silicone band delivers a pleasing squeeze to his penis and the removable bullet provides clitoral stimulation. This sleek, simple design is always a favourite.

Buy the Ovo Vibrating Cock Ring

 

 

sh-love-ballsSh! Silicone Love Balls

£35

These small, discreet love balls are perfect for kegel exercises. These are exercises that strengthen and tone your pelvic floor, making for stronger orgasms and more pelvic floor control. They also provide some slow building internal stimulation, try wearing them as you go about your day or using them with a clit vibe.

Buy Sh! Silicone Love Balls

 

 

 

 

Q&A: Help! I can’t have penetrative sex

Q&A: Help! I can’t have penetrative sex

Dear Sh!

I’ve been trying to lose my virginity but I can’t. We have tried so many times but I always stop him before he goes in all the way because I can’t handle the pain. He says that I am very tight, I do get very wet, but then this happens and I get very tense so then it takes time to get back in the mood again. I have used a dildo before and it was ok, but wasn’t as big as his dick. What can I do? Does it always hurt this bad?

S.

Hi S,

Many thanks for your email. We have a few suggestions that we hope will help.

First take a deep breath and repeat after us, ‘Sex should not hurt.’

It’s pretty common for people to say that losing your virginity is painful, but often it’s painful because you’re tense, because you think it’s going to hurt. Or because foreplay/lubrication are lacking.

Once you’ve tried once and it’s gone badly it can make things worse because you’re even more tense and convinced it’s going to hurt. This is the ‘cycle of pain’ that can lead to vaginismus and you may be experiencing some symptoms of vaginismus. This is when the pelvic floor muscles involuntarily contract when penetration is attempted. You can find information and resources at our new vaginismus website, vaginismusawareness.com

If you can use a small dildo you might not need to try dilators but it could be useful to talk to a Psychosexual therapist.

Also, it would be a good idea to book an appointment to have your muffkin checked out, just in case there is an issue inside that needs to be looked at.

We’d recommend you stop attempting penetration for now and concentrate on other forms of sexy play.

Kissing, touching, stroking and bringing each other to orgasm are all amazing ways of enjoying sex without penetration. This will help you relax, and teach your body and brain to see sex as something pleasurable rather than something painful and scary.

mini-pink-vibratorIt’s essential to use lube for any kind of play including finger and toy play. Try using a slim vibrator or dildo to stimulate yourself with as this will help build your confidence.  Take some time to practice by yourself, and make sure you are fully aroused and turned on before attempting to insert the toy.

When you do decide to try penetration, further down the line, we recommend a position like woman-on-top where you can be in charge of speed and depth.

We hope you find these tips helpful – good luck!

Team Sh! xx

Q&A – Ask Sarah – Sex Toys after Sexual Trauma

Q&A – Ask Sarah – Sex Toys after Sexual Trauma

A few weeks ago we ran a letter from a woman who was looking to explore toys after sexual trauma. We gave our thoughts but we also wanted to get an expert opinions from Sarah Berry, our sex and relationship specialist.

Hi Sarah

I wonder if you could advise me or whether this is outside your advice area.

I have never bought a vibrator or any sex toy as my first relationship was with a very controlling, abusive man who even thought touching yourself was cheating (me, not for him) and my second and current relationship is with a fairly shy man (husband) who has only just decided to let go and open up on experimenting and communicating openly about these things. Before both relationships was a rape and before that nothing (I was brought up on nothing before marriage rule which it took a while to break). I’ve had a baby in the last 9 months with a painful episiotomy and am just starting to feel back to normal sex drive and comfort levels. I am generally pretty experimental and adventurous in other areas of life so it seems a shame to miss out here.

Despite this not awesome start to my sex life, I am very positive about broadening my horizons and interested in vibrators, silver balls, etc but no clue where to start. Any idea how to choose the right toy?

This is an extremely open email to a stranger so a bit scary!

L

Dear L,

I can tell from your letter that you’re ready to roll your sleeves up and start taking control of your body and your pleasure, which is great. Also that writing this letter is a big step so well done to you!

While using toys can be can be a way to enhance masturbation or intimacy with a partner, and can touch parts of you in a way no human can, do remember that they only do so much.

It can be disheartening to put a lot of faith in something, only to be left, naked, unsatisfied, disappointed and poorer when a toy doesn’t fulfil your hopes.

You don’t say whether you’ve had help working through, what sound like, very traumatising experiences. Sometimes trauma can lead to things like depression, anxiety, trust, orgasm or body issues. It sounds like you’re with a lovely, supportive husband. However, sometimes the effects of trauma can linger.

So if you haven’t already, exploring the trauma through therapy can help you towards the experimental, adventurous sex life that you’re planning.

So, on to tips for buying toys! Do bear in mind that everyone responds differently to different toys. They range from a few pounds to a few hundred pounds, though pricey doesn’t always mean more pleasure. Regarding where to start, as a general rule I would say go with gut, and look for something small and simple to start with.

Some more things to think about include:

  • What are you using it for? Is it for penetration? To stimulate your vulva? Both at the same time? You mention kegel balls, which sit inside your vagina. Some people feel them once inserted and some people can’t. Some like it them some don’t. They can help strengthen the pelvic floor and lead to more intense orgasms when you’re stimulated.
  • You say you’re interested in a vibrator, how intense would you like the vibrations and how many settings? Buzzing a toy on your nose can help you isolate the vibrations and work out what you might like down below (though this is more likely to make you sneeze than orgasm!).
  • With materials, would you like it hard or soft? Glass? Silicone? There’s a lot of info on this site about the different toys on this site, and playing with the toy in person can help you work out which one you gravitate to.
  • Regarding size, when penetrating it can be hard to work out how big is too big. If this is what you’re using it for, a good rule of thumb is to compare it to how many fingers you like to insert (if you’re ok with inserting your fingers)
  • The shape and colour are also important. Some people don’t care so much about what the toy looks like. For others it’s important that they fancy it. And some toys with lumps and bumps can add new sensations when rubbed against your bits.
  • As Team Sh! suggested it can be fun to use a toy with a partner, and you mention that your husband is starting to be open about these things. If this does include playing with toys together, maybe you would like to take him to a shop with you? There are also some toys for couples, including vibrating cock rings and remote control eggs, which you might like to consider.

    Remote Control Vibrating Love Egg
    Remote Control Vibrating Love Egg

 

I hope that some of these thoughts are helpful to you embarking on your toy adventure. Do feel free to write in again and let us know how you’re doing – whether it’s good or if you’d like some more advice.

If you have any other questions please contact Sh! at advice@sh-womenstore, include the subject line ‘Ask Sarah’ if you’d like your advice from me.

All names have been changed for the purposes of anonymity.

Best wishes,

Sarah

Q&A: Should I buy my daughter a sex toy?

Q&A: Should I buy my daughter a sex toy?

My daughter has been asking about getting her first dildo or vibrator. She is 13 and very mature intellectually, and I guess she is physically developing now as well. What would you advise? I’m happy that she came to me but I’m not sure what I think about this.  I know I started experimenting  around 13, and had certainly had my first orgasm by then. What do you think is an appropriate age for a first sex toy?

Thanks

Natalie

Hi Natalie

Many thanks for your email. It’s great to hear that you and daughter can speak so openly about sex, and that you are considering her request. We wish more parents felt able to speak openly about sex with their children (age-appropriately, of course).

There is no “right” age to buy a sex toy

It depends on the individual person, their maturity and their interest in self-exploration.

In this day and age, children mature far earlier, and with access to the internet and all it has to offer (good and bad), they are far more aware of sex at a younger age. It is great that you are talking to her about sex and that she has someone she feels comfortable coming to with her questions rather than relying on the internet.

You know yourself how young sexual awakening can be and ultimately we believe it’s best that responsible parents acknowledge this, rather than sweeping the idea under the carpet and leaving  their  teenagers to experiment away from home, with all the risk of abuse, pregnancy and STI’s that can bring.

There’s incredible pressure, these days, specifically on girls to perhaps go down routes they are not ready for…

If your daughter is telling you she’s ready to experiment with pleasure for herself, this has to be better than her feeling like she has to complete a sexual tick-list at school, doesn’t it?

One of our most memorable customers was a mother who brought her teenage daughter to Sh! Some may find this shocking but her responsible and loving parenting shone through. She left her mature, curious daughter to browse and ask us any questions and then stepped up to pay.  Her daughter had chosen ideal first toys with thoughtfulness and maturity and we felt honoured to be trusted with her blossoming sexuality.

Talking  about female pleasure, body-image and toys with your teenage daughter

 

Lube Sample Kit - 6 Different Lubricant Sachets £4As you are both open to the conversation, and if you haven’t already, it would be great to talk to your daughter about female pleasure.

It’s important for girls to know about their clitoris and the pleasure it’s designed to give them, to counteract the wrong messages about female pleasure they maybe getting from porn.

Ensuring your daughter has great body-image is also part of her education to set her in good stead for her sexual future; Perhaps look at The Great Wall of Vagina and other images of real women’s bodies, together ( rather than nipped and tucked porn stars that are awash on the net) so that she knows that all female bodies are different and equally beautiful, including her own..

Getting some fun lubes for her to try out could be a good way to start. Our sample kit offers six different lubes in sachets, and they can be used for exploration with fingers. This might be a way for her to start exploring that puts off decisions about sex toys.

If you do decide to buy her a toy, perhaps a small finger vibrator or vibrating bullet might be suitable? These can be used for exploration, but are not designed to go inside.

It’s a tricky one, deciding whether or not to buy your daughter a vibrator. Ultimately only you can decide if that is something she is ready for and that you are comfortable with.

If you have any other questions please contact us at advice@sh-womenstore, include the subject line ‘Ask Sarah’ if you’d like your advice from our new sex and relationship expert.

All names have been changed for the purposes of anonymity.

Best of luck!

Team Sh! xx

Q&A: Help, I haven’t had sex in 8 years and now I want to try a vibrator.

Q&A: Help, I haven’t had sex in 8 years and now I want to try a vibrator.

Hi,

I have been happily married for 37 years but am currently undergoing couples sexual counselling. I am 58 yrs old, have only had one sexual partner and have never used any sex toys or vibrators. I have not had sex for 8-9 yrs and my counsellor has suggested that using a vibrator might be helpful as we try to reignite our physical relationship. I have looked on your site but do not know where to start. Advice would be really appreciated.

Thanks,

Penny

[All names have been changed for the purposes of anonymity]

Hi Penny

Many thanks for your email!

A vibrator is a great way to help reignite sex drives that have taken a dive. And we agree – it can be really difficult to choose; there are so many different types…

Let’s see if we can break it down for you.

Sh! Easy Egg Vibrator (£19) Strong and quiet, with stimulating soft sleeve, 3 speeds + pulse settings.

Clitoral Vibrators

These vibes are usually small, but can still be very powerful. Their main use is to stimulate on and around the clitoris. They can be stroked, wiggled or just rested in place – try all of those moves to see what you like best.

The egg-shaped vibrator shown in the picture is called the Sh! Easy Egg, and is very popular with our customers. The vibe is covered in a sleeve with nodules on it, and these soft nodules offer extra stimulation. For women who need or like a harder vibration, the sleeve can easily be removed as and when.

 

G-spot Vibrators

These vibrators are designed for internal use (but they can also be used on the clitoris), and the built-in G-spot seeking curves will help find and stimulate the sensitive area just inside the vagina. It takes a while to coax the shy G-spot out, but it is definitely worth investing some time in exploring this area – you may find it creates fireworks!

For this, you could also try using a G-spot enhancing gel. The gel works by drawing blood to the G-spot, making it firmer, easier to find and much more sensitive to stimulation.

 

Sh! Waterproof Rabbit Vibrator £25
Sh! Waterproof Rabbit Vibrator £25

Rabbit Vibrators

Rabbit vibrators have got a lot going on: a shaft for internal pleasure and a clitoral simulator for external play at the same time. They look a little tricky to use, but actually, rabbit vibes take care of all your pleasure zones at once – all you need to do is lay back and relax!

Rabbit vibes are the most popular vibrators of all times – it’s a favourite sex toy in millions of bedrooms across the globe. Many, many, women say they’ve had their very first orgasm with the help of the cleverly-designed rabbit ears.

 

 

Discreet Vibrator £12 - Quiet, Mini Black Vibe with Single Speed Vibration
Discreet Vibrator £12 – Quiet, Mini Black Vibe with Single Speed Vibration

Choosing the Right Vibrator

Which ever style of vibrator you choose, we’d recommend a opting for a smaller-sized vibe for your first sex toy. It’s been some time since you last had penetrative sex, and it’s not impossible that the sensations will feel “odd” to start off with. Anything too girthy could feel uncomfortable and put you off further exploration. It’s better to go small, as you can always add lengthier or girthier toys when you feel more confident.

Something like our Sh! Discreet could be just the thing for you. This vibe is a tad bigger than an average-sized finger, and it can be used both on the clitoris and internally. It has only one speed, but it’s a really good one… This little marvel can be rested length-ways along the labia, or stroked around the clitoris and also inserted if and when you feel ready.

 

Add Lubrication

Lube will enhance sensitivity and sensuality - we highly recommend it!
Lube will enhance sensitivity and sensuality – we highly recommend it!

Adding lube is essential for any kind of  sex play.  At 58, your vaginal membranes will feel drier and tighter – this is normal and natural. To avoid chafing or tearing of sensitive areas, adding a generous drizzle of our Pure Plus lube will be very helpful. Pure Plus is thicker and adds a lovely padded layer on delicate membranes. It’s paraben-free, and it has no taste or scent – just very clean, lush lubricant for more comfortable sex.

(Names Have Been Changed for the Purposes of Anonymity)

If you have any other questions please contact us at advice@sh-womenstore, include the subject line ‘Ask Sarah’ if you’d like your advice from our new sex and relationship expert.

Good luck and remember to have fun!

Love, Team Sh! xx

 

Q&A: How do I get past my sexual trauma?

Q&A: How do I get past my sexual trauma?

All names are changed for the purposes of anonymity.

Hi Sh!

I wonder if you could advise me or whether this is outside your advice area.

I have never bought a vibrator or any sex toy as my first relationship was with a very controlling, abusive man who even thought touching yourself was cheating (me, not for him) and my second and current relationship is with a fairly shy man (husband) who has only just decided to let go and open up on experimenting and communicating openly about these things. Before both relationships was a rape and before that nothing (I was brought up on nothing before marriage rule which it took a while to break). I’ve had a baby in the last 9 months with a painful episiotomy and am just starting to feel back to normal sex drive and comfort levels. I am generally pretty experimental and adventurous in other areas of life so it seems a shame to miss out here.

Despite this not awesome start to my sex life, I am very positive about broadening my horizons and interested in vibrators, silver balls, etc but no clue where to start. Any idea how to choose the right toy?

This is an extremely open email to a stranger so a bit scary!

Leanne

 

Hi Leanne

Many thanks for your email, and many thanks for being so open. We meet many women in similar situations, and we hope we can offer advice that will be useful for you.

It is really great that you are thinking about your pleasure. Sexual arousal often starts in the brain, so this is an important step in the right direction.

Before introducing a toy, we’d recommend exploring yourself using just your fingers and some lube. Lube is the most amazing thing, and a drizzle over the fingers and vulva can make a huge difference in how things feel. It’ll make things smoother, but also heighten arousal. It could also be a great idea to download some great erotica written by women for women (no offence guys – but we find female erotica authors often have a way with words that can really get the juices flowing…)

Clitoral Pleasure VibeThere are no right or wrongs when it comes to choosing a toy – it’s all about what the individual person might enjoy. For you, a small toy for external pleasure may be a good starting point. We have a great selection of vibrators for clitoral pleasure on our website and in our shop. These are designed to stimulate and tease the clitoris (and with 8000 nerve-endings on it’s tip, it does like stimulation!). In terms of vibration, it’s always a good idea to choose a toy with more than one speed, as this gives you variety and options. You might find that you like just plain vibration, or you might find that you like fancy pulses and patterns.

Love balls (silver balls) are great fun, and can be used for toning the pc muscle (especially important after having given birth) and also as sex toys. You can pop the balls inside whilst you explore the outer vulva with your fingers or vibrator. Having something to grip onto can feel super-sexy, so we recommend exploring what feels best for you.

If you’d like a toy to use with your husband, we have a fun selection of couples toys, like vibrating cock rings. These rings are great for newbies, and a gentle way to introduce sex toys into a relationship.

If you live in or around London, you might like to come along to Cafe V sometime. Cafe V is a support group for female survivors of sexual violence and assault. We talk about sex and sex toys, and we drink tea and eat pastries. It’s set up by My Body Back Project in collaboration with Sh!, and it’s definitely worth checking out.

Have fun, and let us know how you get on!

Love,

Team Sh! xx

Beginners Guide to Buying first Strap On

Beginners Guide to Buying Your First Strap On

Buying your first strap on, especially when both partners are total beginners and have never tried strap-on play before,  can be mind-boggling, we know.

Just like buying your first anything, when you’re making your first steps into strap-on sex, you have NO IDEA what to look for in the first model! ( to research browse through our strap on advice & dildo advice sections)

More importantly, whilst the thought of trying strap-on sex for very first time may make you beyond excited, it probably will also feel a bit scary and alien. Will you like it? Will you’re partner like it? Will you be able to operate it? Will you feel silly or miss your target?

Choosing the right strap-on is key to ensuring your first time is a hot experience for both of you.

Fused Strap Ons are not recommendedWe  Don’t Recommend All-In-One Strap-Ons

… and because we don’t rate them, we don’t sell them. An All-in-One Strap-On, where the dildo is permanently fused with the harness,  may seem so appealing for a for a first buy -open the box and Hey Presto off you go… Fused together strap-ons are cheaper than buying quality separates, but often buying an all-in-one can end up a total waste of money.

  • They’re impossible to keep clean, especially around the base of dildo, where it joins the harness.
  • The quality is usually poor
  • The one-size-fits-all harness mostly means they don’t fit well.
  •  Harnesses using elastic results in unwieldy  ‘twang-back’/ buckles dig in / straps are impossible to work out.
  • You’re stuck with one size of dildo.
  • The dildo is often too large which can kill off any strap-on desire of the receptive partner
  • The dildo is often dick-shaped, whether totally ‘realistic’ or more suggestively so. This might be the stuff of porn strap on sex, but for many women (and men) it can be off-putting.

One-size Doesn’t Fit All!

That’s why we produce over 40 different sizes and shape of silicone dildos, in a range of lovely colours and unique marbling effect. Plus 9 types of  strap-on harness, most in a range of different colour leathers. Giving you a fully bespoke choice, as well as the opportunity to show  individuality in your strap on style… But we know, faced with such a wide choice,  strap-on newbies can feel overwhelmed, which is why we created strap on kits

Strap On Kits Make Choosing Easy

Best Strap-On Kit (£99)
Best Strap-On Kit (£99)

We’ve advised thousands of first-time strap-on buyers at our London Sex Shop. From that experience, we’ve created strap on kits, which are ideal for beginners as they contain everything you need for your first adventures in strap-on sex

  • Each kit contains a best-selling silicone dildo and strap-on harness, plus lube & toy cleaner
  • Strap On kits save money on buying separately.
  • Because you are buying separates, rather than something fused together, it means that if/when you want to up-size, or down-size, the dildo , you can still wear it with the harness.

If you prefer to buy separately, here’s our advice to getting it right and making your first forays into strap-on sex a total success.

Don’t be a ‘Size-Queen’ When Buying Your First Strap-On. 

  • The biggest mistake peeps make when buying a first strap-on is buying a dildo that is too big.
  • If anything puts a lover off strap-on sex, its having an enormous dildo making its way towards them…
  • If the receptive partner is a strap-on virgin, whether for vaginal or anal sex, don’t be afraid to think small!

Do You Choose the Dildo, or the Harness, First?

  • For most dildos, it doesn’t matter which way round you choose your first strap on; chose the harness first & add a dildo .. or choose the dildo first and add your harness.
  • If you do want your harness to hold, (now or in the future) a large or  extra large dildo,  choose the dildo first and then choose a compatible harness as some harnesses hold bigger/heavier dildos more securely.

Buying Your First Dildo

Cupid 3 Curved Dildo £44
Cupid 3 Curved Dildo £44
Duchess Dildo £45
Duchess Dildo £45
Wirly Girly 2 Slim Dildo £34
Wirly Girly 2 Slim Dildo £34

In store, where customers can see our full range of dildos and try them in a harness, the top 3 selling dildos are:

Cupid 3 Curved Dildo, Wirly Girly 2 and Duchess Dildo

  • Width is the most important measurement to get right. If you’ve been having sex with your fingers, use a tape measure to assess the right girth.
  • When a dildo is in a strap on harness, you can always control how deep it goes, but one that is too wide is likely to be uncomfortable.
  • Depending on your size, once you slip a dildo into a harness upto  a couple of inches of ‘useable’ dildo-length can be lost so it’s better to opt for a longer dildo than you may imagine
  • If you and/or your partner are curvy, your tummies can get in the way, so definately opt for a longer dildo…
  • Use the filters in the dildo section to narrow down dildo choice for length / width.
  • Whilst the turn-on for the strap on operator is mostly mental & visual rather than physical, using a vibrating dildo will buzz on her crotch, which can make her orgasm whilst wearing a harness.


For lots more advice on choosing your first dildo, please read our How to Choose Your First Dildo Guide.

Choosing Your First Harness

Corset Strap On £62
Corset Strap On £62
2-Strap Harness £45
2-Strap Harness £45
Super StrapOn £56
Super StrapOn £56

 

  • Dividing straps means there’s no passion-killing pause whilst the the strap-on operator takes off the harness to receive some action herself.
  • This style means the strap-on operator can enjoy a 2nd dildo in the harness, using dual dildo adaptor
  • Most of our harnesses have a wide amount of size adjustability in each size which means even partners who are quite different in size can often share the same harness.
  • If you are in doubt about sizes, opt for the smaller.
  • Harnesses with wide backs , like the Corset & Super, are most supportive or larger, heavier dildos.

For lots more advice on choosing your first harness, please read How to Choose & Put on a Strap On Harness

Strap On Essentials … and Extras

  • Lube enhances all strap-on sex. Even if the recipient is as wet as Niagara Falls, adding water-based lube ( don’t use silicone lube with a silicone dildo as it can degrade the surface over time) ensures that there will never be any unsexy ‘drag’…

    Sh! Pure Lube £10
    Sh! Pure Lube £10

 

  • Lube is essential in anal / pegging play and we recommend a thicker anal lube for this, as it has the staying power that is required for the slow pace that is the key to enjoyable, pain-free anal sex

    Sh! Pure Plus £10
    Sh! Pure Plus £10 – Paraben-Free Thick Anal Lubricant
  • Toy cleaner makes for quick and easy dildo clean-up. Getting an itch in the ditch, due to a dusty dildo, is no-ones idea of sexy!
Sh! Sex Toy Cleaner £5
Sh! Sex Toy Cleaner £5
  • Wearing a strap on for the first time, or seeing your partner wearing one, can make for surprising reactions.  Be prepared for anything from awkward shyness to a fit of giggles…
  • If you are very shy, and think this may inhibit you, a blindfold ( worn by the receiving partner) is a good way to keep both of you ‘in the moment’
Leather Blindfold £15
Leather Blindfold £15

Strap On Tips for Beginners

  • Warm-up with some manual and oral action before getting it down with a strap-on. Movie-sex is wrong – most women like lots of build-up before moving onto penetration.
  • Leave some lights on! You kind of need to see what you’re doing… and especially where you’re aiming!
  • Even so, use your hand to guide the dildo into the right place – don’t expect it to find where it’s going, just with your hips.
  • Keep checking that your dildo is still where it should be. When you’re excited and thrusting, it’s easy for the dildo to slip out and you find yourself thrusting into thin air! ( this happens to everybody) A newbie recipient may not have the confidence to tell you you’re missing the mark, so it’s up to you to check.
  • Try lots of different positions and places ( the stairs, kitchen table, up against a wall..?) Mixing it up is hot.
  • Strap-on sex can be simply ALL  about fulfilling the penetrative appetite of your partner… or it can be about role-play. It’s important to know the difference and be mindful of what’s appropriate. It maybe your fantasy but is it theirs? Only you know if asking your partner to ‘suck my c**k’ is going to go down well.
  • Most women need clitoral stimulation during penetration in order to orgasm. Don’t ignore her clit. Use your hands or guide her hands down.. Or add a vibrator to the mix.
  • Most of all – have fun!
Strap On Sex for Straights

How To Introduce a Sex Toy into Your Relationship

 Whether a sex toy specially designed for couples, a simple vibrator or something more ‘adventurous’ like an anal or kinky toy, introducing the idea of playing with a sex toy together can be a daunting experience if you are unsure how your partner may take to the idea.

 

But there’s every reason to preserve.

Introducing and playing with sex toys together can add a whole new dimension to your relationship.

Toys can be great way to explore all the different kinds of pleasures you can experience together and learning this creates great building-blocks for a long and exciting sex life together.

For long-term lovers, playing with sex toys  can rekindle the  fun and spontaneity that may have become lost in the routine in daily life.

And the simple fact is that most women find it difficult or impossible to orgasm through penetration alone. Sex toys, especially those that vibrate, can help.

Getting excited about playing with sex toys with your partner is stage one.

Now all you have to do is to introduce the idea in a way that excites your partner too…

If you’re confident your partner will be totally up for the idea of playing with sex toys – no problem – simply browse together and choose away!

If you’re unsure how your partner will react to the idea of playing with sex toys as a couple, here’s our advice;

The most important thing is to go gently because hurt feelings or bruised egos are real passion killers.

It’s crucial that your partner doesn’t feel  inadequate, insecure or threatened by the idea of a sex toy.

A toy may just be a toy, but you need to ensure the message behind is positive and cannot be taken as a comment on the dissatisfaction of your sex life.

Don’t whip out a sex toy in bed unless you’re 100% confident of a partner’s delighted response!

You may spark fireworks of the wholly un-erotic sort.

In bed,  or during/after sex might be the obvious place/time to have the conversation but it’s probably safer to introduce the idea away from the heat of the bedroom but still within a warm, romantic situation. like during a bath together.

Use words that involve your partner.

You want the idea of playing with sex toys to be embraced with baited breath, not dashed with accusations of your dissatisfaction of your sex life together.

A tiny change of words could make all the difference.

For instance:

‘I would love it if we played with a ………. (fill in the blank!) expresses your togetherness and how much their pleasure is vital to your enjoyment.

Whereas:  “I would love to to play with a ……………….. expresses a single-mindedness which may turn your partner off to the idea.

It’s natural to feel flustered flustered or shy at the prospect of talking about sex toys.

If you do feel nervous about starting the conversation, try nuzzling up close  to your partner and whispering your desires in their ear.

This will make you feel more confident (less voice-throwing and eye contact needed!) plus you will be so close to them that they won’t even notice your rosy glow.

Embarrassment also can cause us to yammer uncontrollably or clam up completely, neither of which will help you hear your lover’s true response; Take a relaxing sip of wine, and then a deep breath, before you sidle up to them.

Simple psychology means it’s often a very natural human response to resistant to the idea of something new, so don’t push for a yes/no answer. Simply plant the seed…

Mentioning previous sex-toy encounters is surplus to requirements!

Your excitement will be infectious and this will be your first time with them so don’t dilute it with what is history.

Relegate to past, too, any erstwhile toys that may be collecting dust under your bed. Second-hand sex toys may hold too much history for your current partner to swallow.

Don’t be too single-minded on the type of toy you want to introduce into your relationship.

Choosing the toy together makes it ‘joint-ownership’ and so most likely to be be embraced and enjoyed.

In our experience, couples often get much more than an a overflowing toy-box when choosing their toys together.

Simply browsing together opens up communication and intimacy.

We see this everyday in our London store.

Exploring all the different  sex toys available and reading about the best sex toys for couples gets partners giggling together;  firing up  their imaginations/fantasies and arousing the thrill and anticipation of what might happen…

Because Sh!  toys are sensual, playful and never graphic (we don’t stock any standard sex shop fare, like ‘realistic’ toys or ones plastered with porn-star images) non of our toys feel like a ‘replacement’ or ‘tacky’, which allows both members of the couple to really relax and explore the possibilities.

Cute Coco Massager Vibrator
Cute Coco Massager Vibrator £35
Hebe Body Massager £39
Hebe Body Massager £39

 

Having a ‘date’ at Sh!, whether browsing together in store or online is a sexy (but not an in-your-face!) way to discover all the toys available and to perhaps choose one together.

Buying your partner a gift of a sex toy.

If you’re pretty sure your partner is open to the idea of sex toys, then birthdays and anniversaries are a good opportunity to introduce one.

Like all birthday presents, a sex-toy gift should be all about them, not you!

So choose a toy that that you know will specifically appeal to them or one that is designed primarily for their pleasure.

You could say your gift comes in two parts; The actual toy PLUS you using it on them!

Tenga Egg (£10) make fun, cool gifts for men
Tenga Egg (£10) make fun, cool gifts for men

For men, a Tenga Egg makes a fab pressie. Designed to deliver a masturbatory treat in a cool and quirky form, you simply crack open the egg to reveal a soft, stretchy sleeve, with a stimulating interior, that slips over his manhood to deliver a totally different kind of handjob.

Love Bullet Silver Lipstick £25
Love Bullet Silver Lipstick £25

For women a stylish clitoral vibrator would be our recommendation for women who are not shy in the bedroom.

If your female partner IS shy, she may feel self-conscious about being on the receiving end of such one-way pleasure, so just giving the gift and allowing her time to explore it by herself, maybe the best way to introduce her to the thrills of vibration, away from any pressure to perform or ways to enjoy.

Lelo Noa £69 - Designed to be worn during intercourse to stimulate your clitoris & G-Spot at the same time...
Lelo Noa £69 – Designed to be worn during intercourse to stimulate your clitoris & G-Spot at the same time…

For anniversaries, a toy you can enjoy together would make the ideal gift. The We-Vibe or Lelo Noa are designed for couples to use during intercourse, making them great anniversary night accessories.