What is lesbian sex?
Before we get down to lesbian sex advice for first-timers, we should be clear that for the purpose of this article, we're defining 'lesbian sex' as vulva-on-vulva sex.
Sure, lesbian sex doesn't always involve 2 (or more) vulvas, nor is it always between people who identify as 'lesbian' - plenty of straight, queer, trans and non-binary folks have lesbian sex that may not involve traditionally female body parts or identities...
However you identify, if you have a vulva that's itching (in a good way) to get it on with another vulva, read on...
Is lesbian sex what I've seen in porn?
No. Forget everything you may have seen in mainstream porn - this depicts the male fantasy of lesbian sex!
Real lesbian sex, including your own, is exactly what you and your lover want to make it. Not every lesbian likes to give or receive cunnilingus or play with strap-ons.
Whilst your fingers, tongue and brain (your most powerful sex organ) will most likely be key players, it’s important to know there are no rules, only imagination and communication.
How do I know what I (or she) will like?
Without IRL experience, it’s easy to feel on the back foot. Communicating and giving/receiving enthusiastic consent is a great way to ensure your first-time lesbian sex experience (and all subsequent times;) is the best possible experience.
Think about what you fantasise about and communicate it.
Have a whispered conversation in person, or send a flirty text message, asking: ‘I'd love to do … with you - what do you think?’ or ‘Would you like to try..?’
Many women don’t know what kind of stimulation they like, and we always recommend starting with just fingers and lube. Some women may not want to be penetrated at all, so check in before diving in.
Other areas of the body may also make someone feel uncomfortable. Everyone comes with different lived experiences, so it is good practice to get find out where your play partner likes to be touched or doesn't like to be touched.
Creating a space that feels safe, consensual and respectful of each other's identities and desires can help a first-time or new-partner session to feel more relaxed for both.
If you are playing with someone more experienced, tell them the pace you would like to go and what you may feel ready to try (and/or what you are not ready to try.)
I'm worried about getting naked in front of another woman.
You may have only seen other women naked in porn (nipped, tucked & Hollywood:ed), so until you start experiencing real naked women in the flesh, it’s easy to feel intimidated that you may smell weird, look ‘wrong’, be too hairy etc.
Vaginas are fantastic self-cleaning love boxes with a specific scent. You may smell a little stronger if you’ve sweated a lot, but that doesn’t mean you smell ‘bad.’ Don’t use douches or strong soaps, which are likely to give you a very unsexy infection and remember the musky smell is specially formulated to be a turn-on!
To get insight into what real women look like, The Great Wall of Vulva shows the beautiful variety and uniqueness of all vulvas.
Is lube is a lesbian thing?
Lube should be on every bedside, regardless of your sexuality. But, yes, in our experience, lesbians have always embraced lube, and for good reason! When you get two women together, sex becomes circular, rather than following the linear straight sex routine of ‘foreplay’ >> intercourse >> finish.
Women are much more capable of being multi-orgasmic - add this to the mix and sex can go on for days! It’s for this reason that lube is a lesbian staple. Paraben-free lube is the safest. If you’re prone to Thrush, look for glycerin-free lube.
What about safer lesbian sex?
It’s a fallacy that lesbians don’t need to bother about safer sex. The risk of HIV transmission during vulva/vulva sex is low compared to other combos (vulva/penis or penis/penis). But other STIs like Bacterial Vaginosis, genital herpes, and thrush are just as common for lesbians as for women who have sex with men.
- Use condoms on toys and wash/sterilise toys thoroughly between sessions.
- Use a cut-up condom as a barrier during oral sex, especially if either has herpes or cold sore outbreak or is on their period.
- Use latex gloves if you bite your nails severely or have hangnails.
How do I know where to touch?
If you're not 100% confident that you know where vulva hotspots are and how they usually like to be touched, do your homework!
The best body to practice on is your own, as you’ll also gain valuable insight into your pleasure responses. Lock the door, grab a hand mirror and get acquainted!
- Mons Pubis & External Labia Lips
The area where your legs meet. The Mons is the mound where pubic hair grows. The external labia are the lips also have pubic hair.
- Internal Labia Lips
The hairless, fleshy lips that surround the vaginal opening. When aroused they become engorged with blood and more sensitive to touch.
- Clitoral Glans
At the top of the internal labia lips, where they meet. Protected by a hood, the clitoral glans boast 10,000 nerve endings so it can be very sensitive. Start with gentle strokes or circling of the clit. Despite what porn shows us, the clit is not a doorbell!
The clit has two legs that extend inside the body. They can be stimulated by stroking in-between outer and inner labia, as well as internally.
- Urethra / U-Spot
Below the clit, you’ll find the urethra, the outer part of the bladder and an erogenous zone for some. Women who experience squirting during sex will squirt from this area. It isn’t really clear why this phenomenon occurs, but it is perfectly natural. It isn’t pee, and it’s not necessarily a huge amount of fluid - it could be a few drops only.
- G-Spot/ G-Area
Located on the front wall on the inside of the vagina, about half a finger’s length in and up. This spongy erectile tissue fills with blood when aroused and feels rougher than the smooth surrounding tissue. Not everyone responds to G-spotting - it’s best tried only when *really* turned on, using a ‘come hither’ motion, rather than in and out thrusting.
To really explore female orgasmic potential, take Shushlife Becoming Orgasmic online course.
How do I go down on a woman?
Unlike manual play, in which you’ll know how it feels, both to give and receive (masturbating with fingers), delivering your first oral sex sesh on a vulva is always going to be a new experience.
You can practise your lips and tongue technique on peaches and ice cream, but until you head south on a real-life person, you don’t know what gives them pleasure - nor how much you’ll enjoy giving oral pleasure.
Oral sex is very intimate and an act that should never be rushed. The tongue is the obvious tool for oral sex, but oral also involves lips and breath. Fingers can also be invited to the party if the recipient wants.
With oral sex, a good tip is to start slow and indirectly. Going down is about teasing – nibble, lick and suck around the vulva area, but ignore the clitoris (for now).
Tongue-love her labia. Gradually move closer and closer to the clit, tease with a few circles – then dip down and treat yourself to a long, tasty lick from the vaginal opening to the clitoris - think ice cream licks!
Play with pressure – go from gentle and light to more focused flicking. Using the tip of your tongue and the flat of your tongue offers different sensations.
Some people like rhythmic moves, others prefer to be kept in suspense – find out! Ask if she likes it like this or wants it a bit slower/faster/softer/firmer?
(If you feel ok with it) invite her to place her hands on your head to guide you.
Advice about fingering?
- Nails
First of all, consider your nails before slipping your fingers into someone. Fingers are lesbian 'tools of the trade' so make sure they are clean!
Short and smooth are the best for finger play, as vaginal membranes are delicate.
If you have long nails, or like acrylic tips, consider getting a 'femmicure' - the lez version of a manicure, where the 'party fingers' (index & middle finger) are left short.
Otherwise, you can protect delicate vaginal membranes by squishing cotton wool balls under long nails before slipping on a latex glove. The cotton wool takes the edge off your talons and protects the glove from potentially tearing.
- Touching the Clit
Think of the clitoris as a clock face with 12 at the top and 6 at the bottom. Most women have what we call their 'happy hour' - a time on the clit clock that is more responsive.
For many, it’s 10-11 or 1-2.
Because of this, sliding your lubed-up fingers on the sides of the clitoris rather than pressing or rubbing directly on it is likely to garner a much better response. Rubbing directly on the tip of the clit can be painful or overwhelming, so best avoided unless she specifically asks for it.
Slide lube-up fingers in a figure of 8 over the clitoris and vulva - and make sure to include the opening of the vagina, as this is a highly responsive area.
Stroking in concentric circles is another good fingering move. Start your cupping and stroking over the vulva and slowly work your fingers closer and closer to the clitoris.
- Tapping
Another sexy move is tapping lightly over the urethral area. This can be done with one lubed-up finger, two fingers, or the whole palm. The tapping stimulates the external parts, but also the internal parts of the clitoris and G-area. As arousal grows, she may ask you to tap faster or firmer. It's possible to orgasm from the tapping, so keep going!
- Going Inside
As arousal builds, the vagina naturally balloons and many women crave a ‘filled-up’ feeling. If she’s up for some penetration, add lube to your fingers before dipping them in. Start slow and gentle, one finger only.
Start with your index finger. Tease a little, stroke inside and around the opening, up over the clitoris and back in again. Curl your fingers so they press against her G-area.
Ask if she wants more and if she says yes, insert a second finger (and so on...).
What is 'fisting'?
You may have heard about ‘fisting.' We would not put this as a first-time lesbian sex act, because trust and knowing your lover's body is essential.
The thing to know is that whilst it’s called fisting (which sounds aggressive and possibly scary), it’s an incredibly intimate act that is entirely about arousal and trust.
Physically, it’s the act of inserting a whole hand (shaped more like a ‘duck beak’ than a ‘fist’) very slowly into the vagina. It’s not for everyone physically. Nor is it for everyone in terms of being a turn-on. The most important thing to know is that the receiver must be very, VERY aroused and that communication is absolutely key.
Some lesbian sex positions for newbies
The only limit to positions is your imagination, so don't limit yourself! Below are a few tried and trusted lesbian sex positions to get you going.
- Scissoring
Sit or lie facing each other with legs intertwined and rub clits and vulvas together. Visually a turn-on! Add deep rumbly vibrations by placing a lubed-up wand massager head between you to both grind against. If you and your lover are into penetration as well as vibration, PicoBong Transformer is a fantastic toy for enhancing a scissoring session - bend Transformer into a shape that suits your position, insert the vibrating bulbs (vaginally or anally) and grind your juicy bits against each other.
- Tribbing
Rock your body against a part of her body; you can both ride each other's thighs or grind against her bum or hip as you pleasure her manually (or she pleasures herself).
- Dry humping
The clothed version of tribbing. Super sexy, as well as safe, in terms of safer sex. Enhance by slipping a lubed-up Banapants Grind Pad into your underwear - party-in-the-pants pleasure!
- Missionary – the Lez Version
One lies on top of the other, straddling their thigh and manually pleasuring the vulva they're on top of. A mixure or fingering and tribbing!
- Wankbank
One partner pleasures themselves, but with fingers crooked and positioned so they also stimulate the other’s clit - empowering and intimate at the same time!
- Face sitting
Easy access! Whover is lowing themselves onto the tongue/mouth below can lean in ways that feel good for them, and position themselves exactly where they want to be.
- 69
Simultaneous pleasure! Try it with one leading the moves and the other mirroring them - a good way to teach/learn what eachother really likes.
Lesbian Sex Toys
Not everyone wants to use toys and that’s ok. Nor are they 'only for the experienced.' Lesbian sex toys can simply add new layers of pleasure. More importantly, communicating about toys and exploring the idea together can really help build intimacy and fun in your relationship.
Sex toys are super-helpful when tongues or hands begin to tire, and they can tease forth stubborn orgasms. Sex toys don’t have to be used internally. Most women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm so this is the area to focus on first!
- RO-80 bullet vibrator in rainbow colours is a bestseller with our lesbian customers. A discreet but powerful way to add an exciting buzz to couples' play.
- Small finger vibrators are great for women playing together. You can have one each or you can take it in turns to pleasure each other. Add a little lube to the vibrator, start at the gentlest setting and stroke around her vulva just like you would with your finger. Never place the vibe directly on the clit unless she tells you that’s what she wants – it can be incredibly intense and may chase off the orgasm!
- Ruby Glow Dusk is great for woman-on-woman sex; grind against it whilst using your mouth and fingers to pleasure her.
- Double-ended dildos that are not dick-shaped are difficult to find. Infinity Double Dildo is different - a shapely, non-gendered sex toy with twin vibrating ends that deliver thrilling penetrative pleasure, used in a pull-me-push-me motion whilst scissoring.
- Strap-Ons - Fused strap-ons (where the dildo is permanently attached to a harness) are impossible to keep clean. Plus ‘one-size-fits-all’ really doesn’t when it comes to such an intimate plaything as a strap-on. Create your perfect strap-on by buying your harness and dildo individually.
