Orgasm Blog Post

Common misconceptions about the female orgasm

Throughout history the female orgasm has been the subject of analysis and interest, both for those who experience them (or not, as the case may be) and for those who hope to help their partners achieve them.

Many ask if female orgasms are real, while others wonder what their purpose is.

Unlike the male orgasm, female orgasm plays no major part in conception, and it can be concluded that  only function is to offer pleasure. We’re not complaining about this, but we feel the difficulty in achieving orgasms for women, in particular, is a major biological flaw.

There’s plenty of information circulating about the female orgasm, but how much of it is true?

We’re keen to set the record straight about the Big Oh, so read on as we dispel some of the biggest myths and misconceptions surrounding the female orgasm.

All women can have multiple orgasms

In fairness, women who do orgasm have got it pretty good. Many women don’t, which isn’t to say they won’t in the future; this is something that can be learned with time, patience and maybe a little bit of help from a vibrator.

The good news is that once you have learned how it works for you and you can bring on an orgasm, it is possible to keep on coming again and again. This is referred to as multiple orgasms and is often done with continued stimulation of the G-spot.

However, not all women respond to stimulation of their G-spot and as the clitoris tends to get over-stimulated after one orgasm, multiple orgasms aren’t something that every woman can just do. It requires knowledge of how your body works, the right tools (fingers, penis or toy) and lots of practice.

Positioning makes no difference when it comes to reaching an orgasm

We’re calling time on this belief.

A position that works for you could mean having a toe-curling climax whilst a position that doesn’t stimulate your hotspots in the right way may mean a lukewarm ‘meh’ experience…

The best position varies from person to person: for some women, this means being on top. This allows either themselves or their partner to stimulate their clitoris with their fingers. Since most women don’t orgasm from vaginal penetration alone, having easy access to the clitoris can be crucial when it comes to coming.

For other women this may mean being flat on their backs – despite its reputation for being ‘dull’, the missionary position can be really useful for orgasm-surety. It allows you to rock your hips back and forth, or grind against your partners pubic bone. Again, it is most often the stimulation of the clitoris that makes the magic happen.

A good starting point is trying to recreate your favorite solo-sesh position but with a toy or penis joining the party.

It’s okay to fake orgasms

Pretty much everyone has been there at some point. A partner is giving it their all, but nothing happens and the pressure to orgasm so the partner can feel they’ve done a good job builds, and before you know it, a bit of loud moaning makes it seem like a fantastic orgasm just happened. The partner is happy, you are happy(-ish) and at least they had a great time even if you didn’t…

Catch 22.

The problem with faking is that it lets your partner believe that you experienced an incredible orgasm when you didn’t.

Each person is responsible for their own orgasm, and having an honest and open conversation about what you like and what gets you off will ensure next encounter is both better and hotter.



Q&A: My girlfriend is into BDSM but I’m not

I recently found out that my girlfriend has been looking at BDSM porn. I was a bit taken aback and I don’t really know how she feels about it? Do you think she wants to try it in real life or it’s just a fantasy?  I don’t mind that she has been looking at it, I am just surprised. Does the fact that all of the porn she has been watching is of the same type, women dominating men, mean that this is the sort of role she would like to take? Sorry, for the probing questions. It is just that I didn’t realise just how kinky she was.

If she wants to try any of this stuff out in real life does this mean that she wants to hurt me? I’m not sure how to process this or how to move forward?

Any advice appreciated.


Hi there,

Many thanks for your email.

First of all, you need to consider if this is something you want to bring up – you’re going to have to admit to checking her search history, which she might find upsetting or controlling. If the roles were reversed, how would you feel if she decided to look through your browsing history? We’re pretty sure that you have, at some point, looked at something she might not feel entirely comfortable with…

kinky-banquetSecondly, it may be that watching BDSM porn is her own little secret, something she doesn’t necessarily want to share.

Maybe she knows you’re  not into it and keeps it for home-alone moments? Fantasies can be powerful tools when it comes to building arousal and bringing on strong orgasms, and perhaps she is more than happy for this to stay as a private fantasy. Watching strong women and/or submissive men could be her way of relaxing after a stressful day.

Or – maybe it is something she’d like to try in real life.

Before bringing it up, if this is indeed what you decide to do, why not take some time to consider what it is that turns her on?

BDSM doesn’t have to involve pain – this is a common misconception. A scene (two or more people coming together to do kinky stuff) should be carefully negotiated in advance; this creates a safe framework for your play. This is the time for both of you to discuss and agree on what will and what won’t happen. If you don’t like the idea of being spanked or having nipple clamps used on you, all you have to do is say so. Just like she has the right to refuse any activities that don’t float her boat.

Think about what you might consent to: maybe you’d be up for light restraining with handcuffs? Or using blindfolds? She could then do all sorts of sexy stuff to you that doesn’t involve pain… All you would have to to do is lie back, relax and enjoy. Surely that’s a win-win situation! Take time to really think about it and you might find it becomes a turn on for you too.

There are a couple of really good books on the subject and you might consider reading them to give you a more rounded idea of what BDSM can do for you: New Book of Bottoming and New Book of Topping.

You can send us any questions at

Good luck!

Team Sh xx

All names have been changed for the purposes of anonymity.