Q&A: Wife's Lack of Desire?

Dear Sh!

My wife, whom I love dearly, does not share the same enthusiasm for sex as myself and her lack of desire is really getting me down.

Whenever I broach the subject about new ideas, she goes all defensive and looks at me as if I'm a complete pervert. She seems to think that lack of desire within a marriage its not important and sex is something she seems never to think about.

I suggested buying some toys from your website, that met with a look that only women can give you. What can I do? Please help!

Hi there,

Thanks for getting in touch!

Ultimately your wife will have to face the fact that lack of desire and lack of sex in a relationship can cause lasting damage and even marriage breakdown, so shying away from the issue is not really an option.

However, talking about sex is tricky for many people. Try to be mindful of this and find ways to bring it into your communication and activities without making a huge 'issue' out of it.

It's possible that your wife has fostered a negative attitude towards sex from very early on in life and does not link it to intimacy, love, and friendship.

If you can find ways to tie romance, sensuality and sex together with some fun toys and couples games, you can start to break down these preconceptions.

Light My Fire

We think one of our online course would be beneficial for your both. Light My Fire consists of 8 sessions, all watched at your own pace. Our fabulous Evie guides viewers through communicating desires, building sexual chemistry and creating the perfect night of passion with a toolbox full of sensual tricks.

Here's what one customer had to say:

So many great tips!

Really enjoyed this, thank you! So many great ideas and tips. Evie is so easy to watch and listen to, and I learned so much about different techniques and new toys to try. This course has definitely inspired me to be more adventurous, can't recommend it enough.

Romance & relaxation

Start the evening with a bath filled with sensual oils and maybe a glass (or two) of bubbles if she enjoys this type of self-care. A bath (or shower) can help both partners relax and enjoy being naked together.

If she allows, dry her skin and apply body moistuirer after the bath. This way, you are touching her naked skin - but without direct sexual intent.

Sex toys or playful pleasure tools?

For many people, the idea of using "sex toys" is a stumbling block. This goes for both men and women. Sex toys don't have to be big or insertable; they can be small and playful.

How about a soft feather? A fluffy pom is a gorgeously sensual massage tool, perfect for all-over-body strokes.

A sexy game for couples can help break the ice - take a look at our cherry-picked selection here. Some games are really easy - just roll the dice and carry out the action, or choose one that requires a little more input like answering question cards.

Surprise your wife with sensual gift

A beautiful clit massager like Lelo Lily 2 may change her perception of what a sex toy is.

Rather than asking her if she wants to have a "toy session" (leading, possibly, to an emphatic no!), say you have prepared a special surprise for her. Ask her to lay back and relax. She may feel unsure, so be gentle and take it slow. This is about building intimacy and sexual closeness.

Spend time stroking and touching her, letting her know how much you desire her before showing her your surprise.

It's a good idea to warm the vibrator in the palm of your hand for a few moments before you sidle it against her skin. Cup it in your hand and let the vibration tingle through your fingers. This is a gentle way to introduce vibrations, and she may feel more relaxed if your touch remains skin-on-skin.