Q&A: Wife’s Lack of Desire?

Dear Sh!

My wife, whom I love dearly, does not share the same enthusiasm for sex as myself and her lack of desire is really getting me down.

Whenever I broach the subject about new ideas, she goes all defensive and looks at me as if I’m a complete pervert.

She seems to think that lack of desire within a marriage its not important

…and sex is something she seems never to think about.

I suggested buying some toys from your shop, that met with a look that only women can give you. What can I do? Please help!

Hi there,

Ultimately your wife will have to face the fact that lack of desire and lack of sex in a relationship can cause lasting damage and even marriage breakdown, so shying away from the issue is not really an option.

However, sex is a very difficult subject for many people to talk about, so try to be understanding of this and find ways to bring it into your communication and activities without making a huge “issue” out of it.

For many people the idea of “toys” is also a stumbling block.

Ostrich Feather
Ostrich Feather £4

But what about a Feather as a “sex toy” ? A fluffy soft feather is a gorgeously sensuous massage tool – perfect for all-over-body tingly touching; leading to a full body massage, leading to – well – who knows where…

Using a soft, silky eye mask or perhaps your Mrs’ silk scarf is also a great idea for when one partner is maybe more reticent to play “with toys”.

Surprise your Partner with Subtle Play

Rather than asking her if she wants to have a “toy session” (leading, possibly, to an emphatic NO!) – say you have a special surprise prepared, that she is to trust you, to allow you to treat her, to lay back and relax.

If she is blindfolded she will not see what you pull out of your goodie bag, and as long as you’ve got her fully prepared with some sensual touchy-feely and plenty of all-over-body attention, you may be able to slip smoothly into some clit-vibrator play.

A good, discreet, clit massager may just blow her whole image of what a sex toy is. Cup it in your hand and let the vibration tingle through your fingers – perhaps if you remain skin on skin, she will allow her body to feel the pleasures vibration can give.

Not only is this toy a beautiful, sensual object, it’s also pretty quiet (so when you turn it on she won’t have a shock) and its wide variety of settings means she won’t jump out of her skin from the intensity of the vibration, if you start out slow and build up.

This is all about building intimacy and your sexual closeness rather than coming at her with the vibrator equivalent of a jack-hammer!

Its a good idea to warm the vibrator, especially those made from hard plastic in your hand, or against a hot water bottle for a few moments before you sidle it against her skin.

Also a sexy board game, like Monogamy, awarded best adult game of the year – shows that nowadays adult games are not naff and cringe-worthy but a fun sexual ice-breaker for you two?

Be romantic and relaxed

However your evening progresses; start it with a bath filled with with sensual oils, and a glass filled with bubbly: both good, very simple ways to help both partners relax and enjoy just being naked together.

It may be that your wife has fostered a negative attitude towards sex from very early on in life, and does not link it to intimacy, love, friendship.

If you can find ways to tie romanticism, sensuality and sex together with some non-scary toys and games you will start to break down these preconceptions and hopefully be able to keep adding new ideas to your repertoire.

Best wishes

Team Sh!

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