I recently lost my virginity to a guy that I absolutely trust and am very attracted to. He was able to make me cum using his hands, but sex was incredibly painful for me. He isn’t particularly big but I’m pretty sure he caused some tearing as well (I bled a lot, although I think I started my period at same time). I was sore so we left it and recently tried again and it still hurt, perhaps marginally less but still far too much for me to continue.
I’ve heard that even your first time doesn’t have to hurt if you’re properly aroused and unarousal was the only explanation I could think of, but I enjoy everything else he does. I’m bisexual so perhaps it’s possible my attraction for men isn’t strong enough to be sexual? There’s also the fact I have never inserted anything besides tampons and in fact being fingered hurt first time round.
So I want to know: is it normal for it to hurt or should I be worried, and what can I do to stop the pain?
Many thanks for your email. We’re sorry to hear your first time was so painful but it’s not uncommon. Painful sex is never fun and can put people off for a long, long time.
First of all we’d recommend booking a check up to make sure all is well on the inside of the vagina. There could be a number of reasons for the pain, and it’s always best to have it checked out. It’s not impossible that you have a vaginal infection that may require antibiotics, for example. Or Endometriosis which is a common condition that causes pain during and after sex. There is another condition called Vaginismus that causes pain when penetration is attempted. But – the good news is that most conditions causing painful sex are treatable.
Secondly, did you use lube? We always recommend generous amounts of lube for all sex play. There is always the possibility that your vaginal membranes were dry, especially if you felt nervous for your first time. Other factors such as dehydration caused by alcohol, medication or tiredness are very common and these can all make penetrative sex uncomfortable.
Positioning can make a whole world of difference. It might be an idea for you to be in control of penetration, when you decide to give sex another go. Being on top means that you can stop if it begins to feel uncomfortable at all.
We can’t comment on whether or not you felt aroused at the time – only you know that. It could be that you didn’t feel turned on because there was no chemistry with the guy or it could be that you didn’t feel aroused, or lost your desire exactly because it was painful!
The good news is that sex usually gets much better with time so you have lots of exciting experiences to look forward to!
Love, Team Sh! xx