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Q&A: I don’t know how to talk to my partner about sex.

Hey,

I don’t know if this a weird problem but I also don’t really know who else to ask. I feel really self conscious about asking for what I want during sex. My partner encourages me to tell him what feels good or if something hurts and I want to tell him. I just feel like I can’t get the words out and I’m not sure why.

I want to tell him what I want him to do to me, or when not to stop, etc but I just can’t bring myself to do it and I have no idea why I can’t. I trust him, and I’m comfortable around him completely so it’s not that at all. I’m sexually shy, I know, but I need advice on how I can be more open about communicating my desires. How to get over this crippling shyness. Any advice is appreciated.

H.

Hey there H,

Almost every week ‘better communication’ is right at the top of our list of advice.

So it’s not at all unusual that this is something you have difficulty with. It can be difficult for us to be comfortable speaking about around sex, we do it every day but that doesn’t mean we never get uncomfortable.

If this is something that you are really struggling with or if you have issues with shyness and anxiety in general it might be worth sharing your feelings with a therapist or looking into CBT and other treatments that can be effective in combating anxiety issues.

The other good way to get comfortable talking about sex is to talk about sex.

If you don’t feel comfortable talking about what you enjoy during sex is there a time when you would feel more comfortable? Would you be happier writing your feelings down or messaging them? If you are shy about sex do you find you experience feelings of anxiety during sex? If so this might be contributing to the discomfort you are experiencing. As we always say, if you are experiencing pain during sex, please, please stop. You are exacerbating any existing issues by ignoring them, your partner is understanding and will not be upset with you, this is something you need to tell him you are experiencing. If you are experiencing frequent pain during sex we strongly suggest speaking to a GP who may then refer you to a psychosexual therapist, and possibly dialing back on activities where you are most frequently experiencing pain.

Fun Rabbit Ears VibratorTry and pick a time when you are feeling relaxed and comfortable with your partner, you don’t have to launch into a conversation about everything you do or don’t love in bed, you’re just opening the topic. What sexual topics do you feel comfortable talking about?What topics don’t you feel comfortable talking about? Do you have a toy you enjoy using? How do you masturbate when you’re on your own? Would you feel comfortable showing your partner so they have a better idea what you enjoy? Why is that? Are you concerned about disappointing or upsetting your partner? Do you feel like you shouldn’t be ‘allowed’ to fully enjoy sex? It’s worth considering where these feelings are coming from so you can start to address them,

We hope this helps, take care of yourself.

Team Sh!

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