Advice-bondage

Q&A: My girlfriend is into BDSM but I’m not

I recently found out that my girlfriend has been looking at BDSM porn. I was a bit taken aback and I don’t really know how she feels about it? Do you think she wants to try it in real life or it’s just a fantasy?  I don’t mind that she has been looking at it, I am just surprised. Does the fact that all of the porn she has been watching is of the same type, women dominating men, mean that this is the sort of role she would like to take? Sorry, for the probing questions. It is just that I didn’t realise just how kinky she was.

If she wants to try any of this stuff out in real life does this mean that she wants to hurt me? I’m not sure how to process this or how to move forward?

Any advice appreciated.

B.

Hi there,

Many thanks for your email.

First of all, you need to consider if this is something you want to bring up – you’re going to have to admit to checking her search history, which she might find upsetting or controlling. If the roles were reversed, how would you feel if she decided to look through your browsing history? We’re pretty sure that you have, at some point, looked at something she might not feel entirely comfortable with…

kinky-banquetSecondly, it may be that watching BDSM porn is her own little secret, something she doesn’t necessarily want to share.

Maybe she knows you’re  not into it and keeps it for home-alone moments? Fantasies can be powerful tools when it comes to building arousal and bringing on strong orgasms, and perhaps she is more than happy for this to stay as a private fantasy. Watching strong women and/or submissive men could be her way of relaxing after a stressful day.

Or – maybe it is something she’d like to try in real life.

Before bringing it up, if this is indeed what you decide to do, why not take some time to consider what it is that turns her on?

BDSM doesn’t have to involve pain – this is a common misconception. A scene (two or more people coming together to do kinky stuff) should be carefully negotiated in advance; this creates a safe framework for your play. This is the time for both of you to discuss and agree on what will and what won’t happen. If you don’t like the idea of being spanked or having nipple clamps used on you, all you have to do is say so. Just like she has the right to refuse any activities that don’t float her boat.

Think about what you might consent to: maybe you’d be up for light restraining with handcuffs? Or using blindfolds? She could then do all sorts of sexy stuff to you that doesn’t involve pain… All you would have to to do is lie back, relax and enjoy. Surely that’s a win-win situation! Take time to really think about it and you might find it becomes a turn on for you too.

There are a couple of really good books on the subject and you might consider reading them to give you a more rounded idea of what BDSM can do for you: New Book of Bottoming and New Book of Topping.

You can send us any questions at advice@sh-womenstore.com

Good luck!

Team Sh xx

All names have been changed for the purposes of anonymity. 

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