I recently found out that my girlfriend has been looking at BDSM porn. I was a bit taken aback and I don't really know how she feels about it? Do you think she wants to try it in real life or it's just a fantasy? I don't mind that she has been looking at it, I am just surprised. Does the fact that all of the porn she has been watching is of the same type, women dominating men, mean that this is the sort of role she would like to take? Sorry, for the probing questions. It is just that I didn't realise just how kinky she was.
If she wants to try any of this stuff out in real life does this mean that she wants to hurt me? I'm not sure how to process this or how to move forward? Any advice is appreciated.
Hi there,
Many thanks for your email.
Before you decide to bring up the fact that you checked your partner's search history, it's important to consider whether it's something you really want to do. It's possible that she may feel upset or controlled by the fact that you checked her search history without her knowledge.
Additionally, it's worth considering how you would feel if your partner did the same thing to you - chances are, you may have searched for something in the past that you wouldn't want her to know about...
Ultimately, it's important to approach the situation with empathy and understanding for your girlfriend's feelings.
Is BDSM porn her secret kink?
It's possible she doesn't want to share her BDSM porn viewing with you. She may suspect you're not into kink and keep it for her home-alone self-pleasure moments.
Fantasies can be powerful tools for building arousal and bringing on orgasms. Maybe your girlfriend is more than happy for the BDSM porn to remain a private fantasy. Watching dominant women and submissive men could be her way of relaxing after a stressful day.
Trying BDSM In Real Life
Before bringing it up, if this is indeed what you decide to do, why not take some time to consider what it is that turns her on?
What is BDSM?
BDSM doesn't have to involve pain - this is a common BDSM misconception.
BDSM is an acronym - an umbrella term that covers many delicious activities: Bondage & Discipline / Domination & Submission / Sadism & Masochism.
Think of it as a tasty smorgasbord - you can pick & choose what whets your appetite and leave things that don't.
A scene (two or more people coming together to do kinky stuff) should be carefully negotiated. Doing this creates a safe framework for your play.
Pain doesn't have to be a part of it - it can be an erotic power exchange.
Negotiating A BDSM Scenes
Negotiations are the time for both of you to discuss and agree on what will and won't happen in your scene. It helps if you each take some time to think about it beforehand. Figure out what - if anything - you'd consider trying under the right circumstances.
If you don't like the idea of being spanked or having nipple clamps used on you, all you have to do is say so. You have the right (as does your girlfriend) to refuse anything that really doesn't float your boat.
Exploring your 'hard-no' and your 'maybes' and your 'hell-yes' together is a brilliant way of opening up communication, getting your fantasies aligned and changing the idea of sex altogether.
Consent is Key
Think about what you might consent to. Would you consider trying light restraining with handcuffs? Or plating with blindfolds? These toys offer up opportunities for her to do all sorts of sexy stuff to you that doesn't involve pain - just things you usually like, but restained and blindfolded...
Be sure to sort out safewords, so you can relax in your BDSM scene. Then all you have to do is lie back, relax and enjoy. Surely that's a win-win situation?
Take time to really think about it, and you might find it becomes a turn-on for you too :)
There are a couple of really good books on the subject and you might consider reading them to give you a more rounded idea of what BDSM can do for you: New Book of Bottoming and New Book of Topping.
Good luck!
Team Sh xx
