It’s a very important week when it comes to celebrating the Best of British Literature. It’s Shakespeare week, celebrating 400 years of the bard. This weekend it’s also World Book Night and English Language Day. We’re doing our bit to celebrate all this literature with our own book night. Join us Friday at 6pm for an Erotic Reading themed on the Best of British Kink. Until then we’ll leave you with some of the bards best sex jokes:
1. Yes, if you added an ‘N’ in there you are reading this exactly right:
MALVOLIO: By my life, this is my lady’s hand these be her very C’s, her U’s and her T’s and thus makes she her great P’s.
Twelfth Night: Act 2, Scene 5
2. We don’t know if this is the first yo’ mamma joke but the execution is top notch:
CHIRON: Thou hast undone our mother.
AARON: Villain, I have done thy mother.
Titus Andronicus: Act 4, Scene 2
3. Medlars were called “open-arses” because of the shape of the fruits. But do you need that to know what he’s talking about? Tragic love not enough to stop your friends making dirty jokes about your lady love:
MERCUTIO: If love be blind, love cannot hit the mark.
Now will he sit under a medlar tree
And wish his mistress were that kind of fruit
As maids call medlars when they laugh alone.
O Romeo, that she were! Oh, that she were
An open arse, and thou a poperin pear
Romeo and Juliet: Act 2, Scene 1
4. Ok, as well as ‘country’ we’ve got ‘nothing’ as in ‘no thing’ and maybe you can guess that Hamlet is talking about vaginas here?
HAMLET: Do you think I meant country matters?
OPHELIA: I think nothing, my lord.
HAMLET: That’s a fair thought to lie between maid’s legs.
Hamlet: Act 3, Scene 2
5. Literary celebrities – just like us! They enjoy a good oral sex joke. And good oral sex we’re willing to bet:
PETRUCHIO: Who knows not where a wasp does wear his sting? In his tail.
KATHERINE: In his tongue.
PETRUCHIO: Whose tongue?
KATHERINE: Yours, if you talk of tales, and so farewell.
PETRUCHIO: What, with my tongue in your tail?
The Taming of the Shrew: Act 2 Scene 1
6. He’s talking about his wig:
SIR ANDREW: But it becomes me well enough, does ’t not?
SIR TOBY BELCH: Excellent; it hangs like flax on a distaff; and I
hope to see a housewife take thee between her legs
and spin it off.
Twelfth Night: Act 1, Scene 3
7. And that young Juliet is where babies come from:
LADY CAPULET . . . By having him, making yourself no less.
NURSE: No less! nay, bigger; women grow by men.
Romeo and Juliet: Act 1, Scene 3
8. This is very true:
PORTER: ‘Faith, Sir, we were carousing till the second cock: and drink, Sir, is a great provoker of three things.
MACDUFF What three things does drink especially provoke?
PORTER: Marry, sir, nose-painting, sleep and urine. Lechery, Sir, it provokes, and unprovokes: it provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance: therefore, much drink may be said to be an equivocator with lechery: it makes him, and it mars him; it sets him on, and it takes him off; it persuades him and disheartens him; makes him stand to, and not stand to: in conclusion, equivocates him in a sleep, and giving him the lie, leaves him.
9. Poor Claudio is going to be executed for getting his fiance pregnant. But don’t let that get in the way of a good turn of phrase:
POMPEY: Yonder man is carried to prison.
Mistress Overdone: Well; what has he done?
Pompey: A woman.
Mistress Overdone: But what’s his offence?
Pompey: Groping for trouts in a peculiar river.
Measure for Measure: Act 1, Scene 2
If that’s got you feeling literary come along to our event.
When: Friday 22nd April 2016, 6-8pm
Book a Space: Events@sh-womenstore.com