How to ask for It
Guest Blog by Kitty Stryker
Hooking up in the movies seems so easy- a wink and a nod begins an epic romance with an indie music soundtrack. And yet when it comes to actually flirting, figuring out how to tell someone you’re attracted (or aren’t) is fraught with peril. How do you come across as interested without seeming desperate, or mysteriously coy without seeming bored? How can you get what you want- and still have fun doing it?
The idea that an ideal partner can just read your mind is not only incorrect, it can be dangerous when people guess wrong and feel uncomfortable saying so. It’s a romantic idea that we won’t ever have to be direct- but we’re attracted to that because directness is scary. There’s other factors that complicate things too- some people struggle with reading body language (for example if they’re not neurotypical) and others are bad at verbal cues. Never mind that we have a tendency to “hear” what we want to hear, and err on the side of a positive to get what we want… even if that’s not what the other person is saying.
Whew. Sounds like a dating minefield, right? But it doesn’t have to be! You can be explicit about what you’re interested in and what you don’t want while still maintaining the energy. My workshop “How to Ask For It: A Workshop on Sexy Negotiation” will cover the bases from dating to sex parties, with plenty of Q&A time for your own personalized troubleshooting. Come discover how to romance some consent culture into your life!