As sexuality educators, we spend our days talking about sex & sexuality and there really is very little that has the potential to embarrass or shock us. Body fluids, kinks and fetishes come up on a daily basis and we don’t bat an eyelid. But during a recent workshop in our Hoxton store, we encountered something that left us lost for words.
We always start off our popular erotic classes with a short ice breaker, a fun way of getting guests relaxed and ready for whatever the evening may bring. The class in question was our Blow His Mind class, and after having assigned each guest their “penis-name” we asked why they’d decided to come along to a class on fellatio.
As one lovely guest bravely shared her reason, our jaws dropped open. She told us she’d only ever given one blow job in her entire life – which wasn’t the reason for our stunned silence, by the way. Many people choose to not give blow jobs, nothing new there. No, what had our knickers all bunched up was the comment she’d received from her lover afterwards: he’d said that the blow job was “shit.”
Naturally this raised a discussion in the Sh! camp after class, and we are all in agreement: the condescending comment says more about the man receiving the blow job than it does about the woman performing it.
For the sake of fairness, we’ll add that damaging comments can as easily come from the mouths of a women. Negative attitudes aren’t gendered, after all. But we digress, this particular piece is about men and blow jobs.
Dudes – if someone does you the honour of taking your penis into their mouth, you need to be respectful.
First Time Nerves
The fact that two people like each other well enough to want to get naked together does little to settle first-time nerves; heading into uncharted territory is always scary. Taking a penis into your mouth for the first time is scary: it feels big, it’s warm and it smells & tastes unfamiliar. Never mind that firm hand you may have on the back of your head, pushing your inexperienced mouth further down on a proud erection – not helpful, guys.
At this point, gentle encouragement is much appreciated. Consider the possibility that this person has never been up close and personal with a peen before – they have dived in head first, as it were. It’s your job to help them swim.
Communication is on anyone and everyone who gets into a consensual sexual situation with another person. A nudge in the right direction, a soft “I like it there” will ensure you both get what you want from the encounter: mutual pleasure. You may want it slower, or harder, or lots of tongue in a certain spot – so ask for it… Don’t assume that the person working on your pleasure is a mind-reader.
Dissing someone for being rubbish in bed is unlikely to make them want to see you again, let alone have sex with you. Shaming someone for having the balls (pun intended) to try something new is never ok. Perhaps they are from a culture where sex is not discussed, perhaps they have never seen a naked body before… Hard-earned sexual empowerment and confidence will be shattered in mere seconds.
Telling someone they are ‘shit’ in bed does not make you a great lover, it makes you a dick. Don’t be a dick.
Many men assume that deep throating, the act of taking a penis as deep into the mouth and throat as possible, is a given. It is not.
Deep throating is not for everyone and certainly not for someone who have never performed fellatio before. It’s advanced-level, and just because it looks easy in porn doesn’t mean it is as easy in reality. Deep throating is about intimacy and trust, and if you don’t do your darnedest to create a safe atmosphere in which your partner feels supported enough to try it, you don’t deserve it.
Taking Responsibility for Your Orgasms
Going back to the guest at our class, we bet the encounter wasn’t great for her either, yet the male partner wouldn’t assume it’s because he is “shit” in bed. It is easier to point fingers at others than it is to take responsibility for ones own actions. He deemed her sexually inadequate, when in fact all she needed was encouragement and a few handy hints about his likes. Instead, he chose to undermine her confidence by not taking responsibility for his own pleasure.
It is not another person’s job to “give” you earth-shattering orgasms – you are in charge of your own satisfaction. If you don’t know how to have an orgasm, it would be hugely unfair to expect someone else to just make it happen.
Great sex is much like anything else, it requires practice and patience.
Top Tips for Being a Great Lover
- Take your time
- Be encouraging
- Listen actively
- Communicate clearly
- Pay attention to body language
- Have basic knowledge of anatomy and hot spots
We hope our guest goes on to have a loving, fulfilling sex life with someone who deserves her time and attention, once her confidence has been restored – we are here to cheer her on!
Love, Team Sh! xx