Q&A: Help! I can’t relax enough to orgasm with my partner.

Hi Sh!

I am having trouble relaxing enough to get off with my boyfriend. I can masturbate to orgasm but with my boyfriend it feels like sometimes I get close but I just can’t relax enough to fully enjoy it.

The only time I feel anything close to how it feels when I masturbate is from intercourse and then it’s not nearly as intense. I’m not even sure if it counts as an orgasm. Also he wants me to masturbate in front of him which is something I’ve never done and am not completely comfortable with, it seems weird to masturbate with him just watching. Especially since I prefer to lay on my stomach when I do.

What’s wrong with me?  Any tips to help me relax and just enjoy things?



Hi Carol

Many thanks for your email.  This is a question we get asked all the time – it’s very common for women to be able to orgasm by themselves, but not with a partner. Nothing is “wrong” with you – in fact, your vagina is reacting in a very normal way.

When is Your Happy Hour? Where around your clitoris feels best?

First of all, touch. You touch yourself in *just* the right way – not too hard, not too soft. Not too fast, nor too slow. When a partner goes to touch the clitoris, they are often coming at it face-on, ie. almost like they are ringing a door bell; they just press. Bearing in mind that the very tip of the clit has 8000 (!) nervenedings, this can end any pleasure sharpish.  It is very difficult to teach a partner how we need to be touched for optimum pleasure – they can’t feel what we’re feeling so they don’t know when it’s too hard, fast, or slow.

We recommend thinUntitled design (3)king of the clitoris a a clock face, 12 at the top and 6 at the bottom. When is your happy hour? What “time” is  the most sensitive?  This is the time to teach your partner to focus on – with plenty of lube and patience, of course. It’s not a magic fix, but it’ll help.

Many women report that they are most sensitive at 10-11, or at 1-2, so these are good times to try out first.

Best Position for Pleasure

Secondly, position. We’re guessing that you are on your back, knees or all fours when your partner is touching you? If you need to lay on your stomach when you masturbate, this is your go-to position for orgasms. This means you need to lay on your stomach when your partner touches you too – maybe it tenses your thighs in a certain way, or maybe you can grind against the sheets… Whatever it is, this is the position that needs to be replicated. Some women can only orgasm on their fronts, some women can only orgasms when they lay on their backs… this is perfectly normal. Some women flex their feet, some women have to have their legs wide apart – or close together.

Watch Me: Being watched while you masturbate.

And on to being watched. Being watched can be very intimate and it can sometimes put us off our stride. Or, it can be a tremendous turn on! For your partner, it is probably a combination of two things: he wants to learn how you do it AND he wants to watch you enjoy yourself; these sessions are probably crazy sexy for him, and something he re-visits in his mind when he’s enjoying some alone-time.

There are a couple of things you can do to make this easier: ask him to masturbate alongside you. This way you get to enjoy the view and sounds too! Or, place a blindfold over your eyes, and you can relax into your own pleasure and you needn’t think of him watching you…

(Names Have Been Changed for the Purposes of Anonymity)

If you have any other questions please contact us at advice@sh-womenstore, include the subject line ‘Ask Sarah’ if you’d like your advice from our new sex and relationship expert.

We hope this helps!

Love, Team Sh! xx

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